I’ve been haunted by a ghost every night since you left.
He shows up only when my thoughts have quieted.
He looks like possibility, and sounds just like you.
You were rough around the edges, and especially dismissive.
I found your polo shirts repetitive, and your “nice guy” facade hard to swallow.
You took up all of the space in the room with your obnoxious laugh.
Your obnoxious laugh…
though only known to my ears for a brief stint, it’s taken-up permanent residence in my mind and haunts my moments of solitude.
To drown it out, I think about how the sun touches down on the earth, kissing her daily
…and how warm that unfailing embrace must feel.
I wonder if the plants miss the sun in the dark of winter as much as I miss your obnoxious laugh in the silence of night.
To the man who describes himself as a broken-hearted hero,
I thought love was jealous, fragile, and painful. I thought everyone who loved deeply, did so complicatedly.
Since you, I’ve discovered love through the purest of sources: friendship and kindness.
The kind of love that makes me feel seen. The kind of love that makes me feel heard.
It’s that kind of familial love I didn’t realize I already knew, and had no idea I would someday gain even more of.
Because of what I’ve learned since you, I was ready for him. To see him. To hear him. To love him.
I’m thankful for where my path has brought me. I hope you can say the same.
The confident queen who walked away
Am I right!?!
How many of us have thought “I just need to lose____lbs”, “I just need to be in better shape”, or “I just need my long luscious locks back”….”and that’ll show him! I’ll be too hot for HIM!”
I’m guilty of this, and I know many others are too. Let’s work on this, guys and gals. Let’s collectively work on valuing our journey enough to not invalidate our present. You are who you are right now. Nothing superficial has changed who you are underneath all the bullshit.
So what if I’ve been in better shape and my hair is in a weird transition phase -I’m the same catch I was last year and the year before. I’m still the same sassy mouthed, moody queen who loves fiercely. Chances are, whoever I’d want to “teach a lesson”…things were not that great anyway. Superficial relationships never are.
It’s great to joke about the quirky things we all do (and I genuinely am someone who has thought the above…in the last month!). But I think the most dangerous thing about having this mentality is that we constantly say to ourselves “you’re not good enough…yet!” So, we’re not only putting ourselves down, but we’re seeking out this fictional version of ourselves that we’ll finally be happy with. We’ll feel better about where we’re at in life when they’re pining after us.
This is a sort of fucked up concept, guys. One that extends beyond the romantic. I’ve got a yogi bestie who thinks she’ll get more people in her classes if she looks better in her Instagram photos. What does her leg cellulite have to do with her ability to teach yoga? Not a fucking thing. What does my weird hair phase have to do with my ability to love? Not a fucking thing.
Let’s all do better, ladies and gents. Remind yourselves and your friends that we are all perfectly fine in the present. Own your path. We may be flawed, but we’re constantly redefining our perfectly flawed mold.
We need the support of the collective to break this bad habit.
To be continued,
This actually made me laugh, because I give this friend shit constantly.
But to further explain the likely cause of his and most men’s confusion with women: he’s a millennial who enjoys casual dating. Not promiscuity, but actual dating. He’s definitely a gentleman (and is generally very wonderful) but he actually dates around for fun. Are there any women out there who enjoy that? ….Homies, that might be why you don’t understand women: most of us actually hate casual dating.
Let’s discuss casual dating in situations I’ve been in: we talk a lot, we like each other, we either have sex or just “fool around”, we do things together, we never get too “couple-y”, I’m treated like I’m just “one of the boys”, and I always feel on edge and like I can’t relax. *There’s definitely ZERO type of commitment that provides any sense of security.
Now, I can’t speak for all women, I can only speak for myself but casual dating has been nothing but bullshit for me.
As a result of being the anti-casual chick, I friend-zone all men who I know have no intention of actually dating me. I want love… the real kind. Not the romance that fades shortly after it begins, but the boring kind of love. The kind that provides comfort..the kind of comfort that makes a person feel at home with their counterpart. I like having a partner. I have no shame in that.
I’ve voiced this in the past to men I’ve “seen” and to friends, and it’s generally unacceptable for millennials to want a commitment. Men have genuinely been confused in the past when I refuse to take anything further and kick them out of my life, because they’re just not in a place where a relationship is feasible.
Well, gents of 2016, not all of us want a fuck or makeout buddy. Sorry that you all tend to find us confusing because of that.
First of all, who the fuck actually does that!?
And second: am I the only one who finds it incredibly condescending when someone says “you’ll meet him/her when the timing is right. It just has to happen organically.”??? -I like the idea of not having to put forth effort, but nothing actually happens organically. I’d love to say I’m not pushy, but I am. I’m always making moves to get things accomplished. Nothing great in my life has ever happened organically. I had to put in a sufficient amount of effort to make ANYTHING work.
I’m 25, and have been dating for a decade. Yes, there are women out there who have been dating in their adulthood a lot longer than I, but I’m exhausted.
My type has gone from so narrow and picky that it was comedic, to “must be a decent human being, with whom I can have great conversations and moments with.” -I obviously want to be attracted to them, but I tend to find intellect and a mutual connection more attractive with my aging. He doesn’t have to be freakishly tall, foreign, funny, bilingual, 5+ years older, dark, and handsome. <I told you it was comedic>
He can be a normal human being, because I am a normal human being. I mean, I think I’m a catch, but I’m not Giselle Bündchen.
So, how the F**K do I go about “bumping into” this normal and sophisticated gent in an organic fashion? ….Do I hover over Tolstoy at the old bookstore, with hopes that I’ll have a meetcute with some cutie who ALSO is obsessed with early 19th century literature? -Come on, guys… that’s not actually a thing. Meeting people organically is total bullshit. So, until then… the cutie in the produce section will have to do.
To Be Continued,
Dating is rough on all of us. Let’s not forget all of Le Queen Adele’s “21” album; an album dedicated to the perils of dating in her twenties.
So, I thought I’d take a stroll through some really bad dating advice, and I ended up looking into common dating myths. I found this fabulous list from thedatereport.com, titled “Ten dating myths you should ignore”, and I absolutely loved it!
- The guy should pay
This is a ritual that I find incredibly archaic. The man does NOT have to pay. Ladies, going halvesies is completely acceptable. I’ve had friends that get shy about it, because they don’t want to appear aggressive -I say screw it! When you’re in a serious relationship, you’ll probably be splitting the bills, so why not start out that way?
–You buy the theater tickets, he buys the snacks. BOOM!
- You shouldn’t have sex on a first date
No. Just no. If you want to have sex with someone on the first date, and they want to have sex with you, go for it! Ignore what your Nana told you about giving the milk out for free, and do what you want to do. The bottom line is, if you and your potential partner aren’t “waiters”, then you aren’t. If you are, then you are. DO. WHAT. YOU.WANT. Fuck what Nana told you. (My Nana is dead, and her ghost is busy haunting her third husband, so it’s unlikely that she’ll know I just said that.)
- Dress casually
I’m guilty of giving this advice, but I didn’t say it in the “look shabby-chic”, I said it in the “don’t wear a skin-tight dress, because you won’t be able to eat, drink, or breath.” –My policy on dressing for dates is dress according to the activity and ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS make sure that you’re comfortable. You can’t give anyone your full attention if you can’t stop thinking about how tight your pants are, or that you’re afraid to sit down in your skirt. No one needs that kind of stress on a first date.
- The guy has to be the one to follow-up
False. Carpe diem, homie. DO WHAT YOU FUCKING WANT. If you really like him, tell him. If you never want to see him again, tell him (politely) that you’re going in another direction. Getting turned down by me is basically a job rejection: thanks for your applications, sir, but I’ve decided to take this in another direction. Best of luck to you in your search! (no joke, I have said that before)
- Be fashionably late
If he’s within 10 minutes, no problem. If he’s later than 15 minutes and hasn’t reached out to tell you that he’s running behind, onto the next one, sister. I hold a tally on first dates, if they have 4 by the end of the date, they don’t get called again. We all know his phone is attached to his hip, he’s not too busy to tell you that he’s running late. -I also hold myself to this standard. I’m a chronic texter, so I have no qualms with letting my date know that I’m running late.
- Bars and clubs are a great place to meet
I don’t mind meeting people at bars, but if I’m drinking a lot of wine, I’m probably going to order a bunch of appetizers OR leave the date early so I can go home and make a pizza… soooooo it’s probably just better to meet somewhere more casual. I really like movie dates at home, though. I like getting to know people in private, so you can actually ask personal questions without someone at the table next your date, wondering if you’re on a date or if you’re conducting a job interview. -Because I’m obviously doing both. Dating me is a job. Also, bars and clubs are usually pretty loud. It’s hard to get to know someone while you’re shouting from two feet away.
- It is (super) weird to think about the future
There’s a lot of research that supports that this is not-so-weird. Many MANY people consider their potential futures with someone. Why wouldn’t you? Are you dating, so you can potentially find someone that you enjoy spending time with long-term? ….Well, long-term relationships need forethought.
- Your body is being judged
I’m going to steal what the website commented here, because I really liked it: ”The top three things that singles judge a potential first date by are grammar, self-confidence, and their teeth (random). Your body-shape is perfect the way it is, and if a first date can’t see that then good riddance!” –Good riddance is right!! You’re perfectly fine the way you are; no one is judging your body! You put yourself out there and went on this date, you deserve a good time! Don’t let the paranoia monster in. YOU.LOOK.DIVINE.
- “Friends With Benefits” will never turn into a serious relationship
This is just not factual. I don’t know why people say this. I think there are types of casual hook-up relationships that have no hope, but there are plenty that form into something more. Like I said above, it just depends on the two people and what they’re both looking for. If you’re both on the same page and want that currently, but have nothing against it developing into something more..why wouldn’t it? I think this myth causes paranoia. I’ve had girlfriends ask me if I think their relationship is hopeless because it started by them just fooling around here and there at one point. No. I definitely do NOT think that. DO WHAT YOU WANT.
- Everyone fibs about their sexual history
I know men and women that aren’t honest about this, but I think I know more people that are honest. However, I also don’t think this is an appropriate question for a first date. I have asked someone just out of curiosity before, but I didn’t actually have interest in dating him. I was just trying to figure out if he was a 40 year old virgin (which would have been perfectly fine). I’m really big on honesty, so if you don’t want to tell someone the truth just tell them that that’s a conversation for your future husband (or someone you’re in a serious relationship with). If you’re already in a serious relationship, just tell them. No one is going to dump you, because of your magic number. If they do, they’re an asshole. Also, don’t be daft and act like you don’t know your number –we all know our number.
So, let’s recap: IGNORE DATING MYTHS!!!! Oh, and my Nana is busy haunting her ex-husband(s) and hopefully not hovering over any of your shoulders, reading this post. But on a serious note, do what you feel is best for YOU and you’ll be golden! 😉
To Be Continued,