Monstrosity&Romance

a-monster-calls-3.jpgSaid the Beast, “my heart is good, but still I am a monster.” “Among mankind,” says Beauty, “there are many that deserve that name more than you, and I prefer you, just as you are, to those, who, under a human form, hide a treacherous, corrupt, and ungrateful heart.”

I spend a great deal of time thinking about the romance in monstrosity, and the monstrosity in romance… Even before this fabulous trend of fairy tales being turned into television shows and before Hollywood had the opportunity to make our favorite fairy tales even more dramatic than they already were, romance in monstrosity was already so relevant to us.

“A tale as old as time” isn’t just a cheeseball line from that song, Madame de Beaumont wrote “Beauty and the Beast” in 1740. The close relationship between romance and monstrosity has been present in our culture for at least 277 years… at least! She was hardly the first writer to romanticize monstrosity, but is certainly one of the more recognized presently.

So what do I mean by monstrosity in romance and the romance in monstrosity? I’m talking the kind of lovers who eventually turn into our personal monsters; love that turns (us) into monsters; situations that cause us to view love as monstrous ‘otherness’.

I have a problem with romanticizing monstrosity for 277 years, because I’ve been addicted to it my whole dating life without ever knowing. I’ve been in love with the duality of monsters for as long as I can remember. They are villains to some, and heroes to others…but they had depth. Loving them took a little work, and it was always worth it in the end of the story. I could identify with that… as a kid, I always felt maybe a little too grown for my peers and as an adult maybe a little to empathetic and emotional for the masses.. and just maybe loving me takes a little extra work.

The complexity of the monster always resonated with me though. Whether that means I identified with them or loved their multi-faceted characters… and I’m finding that maybe it’s not the most conventional love, but it’s mine and mine alone…

My modern monster is just affectionate enough for me to stick around but indifferent enough to never commit and provide me any sort of security in our ties. And who knows, maybe his monster is a neurotic know-it-all who is a little too intense and a little too emotional for him at times… But I do know the world could be ten Prince Charmings for every one Beast, and I’d find the Beast every time. I’d love him for his imperfections and his shortcomings. I’d love him because he’s mine and mine alone. And I’d love him because unlike most people I encounter, I find his imperfections beautiful and that they compliment my own…

“I don’t get him. He’s weird. And he’s never going to give you what you want and need out of a partner.”

And to that I say: he’s mine to understand.

I love my monster, he is mine and mine alone.

To Be Continued,

B&B

**For anyone who hasn’t read the original version of the “Beauty and the Beast“, feel free to click on the hyperlink and take a read (it’s a quick read, I promise).**

Reason 387 Why I Suck At Being A Millennial

 

I will never be a “chill chick” or good at being a millennial in the dating world. I don’t like unspoken understandings, and pretending I’m “cool” with never being clear on where things are headed.

A while back I realized that I was constantly settling for unspoken sentiments and understandings in my romantic life -which happens to be a huge fucking trend among millennials. I was dating someone who I felt was constantly letting me down, and they never actually apologized for their fuck-ups. I just got gifts and an abundance of attention for, what felt like, five minutes… and then everything resumed to it’s regularly scheduled awkward avoidance. I had settled for them so much so, that I realized we never really defined our relationship or where it was going…because awkward conversations were avoided at all costs. We had such a flimsy foundation in our relationship that the only way any obstacle was ever addressed was through bouts of ignoring followed by petty arguing… so mind-games.

I never thought I would be someone who would contribute to such a rotten aspect of the dating world, but I was! I played mind-games and I was good at it… gross!

That’s what I had resorted to in this relationship, because I was terrified of asking for clarification and demanding more out of a partner. I genuinely think a lot of game playing boils down to how unwilling we ALL are to be vulnerable and to be honest about our intentions and feelings. With this lack of communication comes so much insecurity that usually leads to settling for unspoken sentiments and understandings.

Now, I’m not talking about the occasional unspoken sentiments that will occur among loved ones. I’m talking the situations that we find ourselves in when we haven’t defined our relationships, because no one likes to have difficult conversations anymore. I’m talking the unspoken fights and makeups we have, because no one likes voicing that their feelings are hurt or they feel undervalued in their relationship.

Unfortunately, this whole “unspoken understanding” concept is one that has reappeared throughout my dating life a lot. It had been a very annoying trend for me, because much like many other women in our society, I’m terrified of sounding assumptive and demanding and contributing towards all of those “crazy chick” stereotypes. But honestly, fuck stereotypes. I don’t really care if I’m associated with that rude label anymore, because I’d rather be myself than pretending I’m comfortable in a situation I really can’t stand.

To break the cycle, I decided a while back to stop giving credit to people who haven’t earned it. I no longer settle for the unspoken sentiment or understanding. I refuse to accept situations that go undefined. They make me wildly uncomfortable. I love labels (and label makers, FYI), so I need clarification in my relationships. I will NOT commit myself to someone who hasn’t been forward and open about being committed to me. I can’t stand the situationships where it’s not discussed whether we’re exclusive and heading in a “together” direction. Assuming we’re on the same page as someone else who has their own unique mind and set of beliefs is absolute insanity, in my opinion.

This is all just one more example of how “unchill” and horrible at being a millennial I am.

*sigh*

To be continued,

B&B

Women Supporting Women

fem rants 

“There is a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.”
 –Madeleine Albright, former United States Ambassador to the United  Nations

 

It’s International Women’s Day, and guess what?? Feminist rants really are my jam! Here’s one of my favorites: the importance of supporting your fellow female badass……


Is there anything more special than having female friends?

I’ve noticed over the years that it appears to be a really trendy thing to label oneself as a “guy’s girl”, or the type of girl who “has more guy friends than girl friends”, because “women attract drama.”  Now, there’s obviously nothing wrong with having an abundance of male friends; I have plenty of guy friends. I’m talking about the women who avoid making friends with women-This has never been true for me. I was raised only by women, and I have been for women and all about women supporting women since before I understood the obstacles that a woman faces throughout her life. I can tell you from a lifetime of fembot training, WOMEN ARE BADASSES. We really are. YOU are a goddess, and so is the girl in the cube next to you. Carry yourself, and your bonds in a manner that pays tribute to that. Support other women; we all need it. No one understands us better than our gender does.

There’s a really special bond between female friends. Whether that bond be because we know what it’s like to have our baby box try to ruin us from the inside every month, or if it’s because we understand what it’s like to be judged the way we are by our appearance (tattooed, pierced, hair colored), by our having (or not having) children, by our choice in clothing, by our lifestyle choices, etc. Women understand women. Men have struggles, too. I’m not invalidating that, but they don’t struggle in the same manner in which a woman will throughout her lifetime.

Why is it important to support your fellow lady?

Women helping other women is the right thing to do. While not the only factor, it is most definitely one of the major arteries on the road to success. After all, what are we all doing here if not to help one another? The old stereotypes about women are tired and frankly, boring. Life is hard. Work is hard. Let’s cut one another a break and give the overly competitive, passive/aggressive and martyr behaviors a permanent rest. It’s time.” *Retrieved from 10 Reasons Why Women Should Support Women


This blogger hit the nail right on the head -what are we doing here if it isn’t to help one another achieve our maximum potential!?  Cutting one another down doesn’t do either party any good. No woman benefits from treating other women as if they aren’t worth our energy. In the work place, it’s tougher to gain respect as a woman than it is a man (this is widely known) -help a sister out! Don’t use the age-old excuse of “I had to fight to get where I am; she should, too!” False. She shouldn’t. If someone before you had done her part, your path wouldn’t have been riddled with difficulty. Do.Your.Part

ovaries

Author of “The Woman Code”, Sophia Nelson has a twenty tips to her fellow woman on how to navigate the waters of empowering your fellow sister. Here are a few that I found helpful from an article I discovered about female empowerment along with my personal thoughts:

  1. Steer Clear of women who “don’t do female friends”
    I swear I just said this. Oh, wait.. it’s because I did. This is a complete bullshit trend. I choose to believe the women who choose this path, choose it out of the ignorance of not having had fruitful female bonds in the past. It’s good to steer clear without judging her for her choices. Never put her down, but remember that you are the company you keep, ladies. If she’s someone who doesn’t “do girlfriends”, then she probably doesn’t have similar priorities or social tendencies as you and you can respectfully side-step and find a new friend elsewhere. Her interests don’t align with yours, and it’s difficult to maintain friendships when someone doesn’t support your beliefs.
  2. Collaborate and Share
    This is a lot similar to the excerpt from the blog that I inserted above. Her angle is to come together to achieve greatness, instead of competing the way society wants us to. Tell your girls the stuff they need to hear: you ARE beautiful, you ARE worth it, you CAN do this, etc. This concept can be as drastic as major life decisions, to the smallest decisions -no one buys $300 shoes without asking her best girl if she really needs them (which is likely a “fuck-no”. Homie, no one actually needs $300 shoes. Get a budget app, and then come back to me on whether or not you can afford those heals.)
  3. Be A Mentor
    This is one of those situations where you see someone struggling with something you (or someone close to you) has struggled with. Talk about it. Share your experience. Assist them in tackling this obstacle. Everyone needs a mentor-especially women.
  4. Pay-it-forward
    When you had someone help you through something, pay it forward. Help them in return. Even if all you give them in return is emotional support, it’s appreciated!
  5. Never Be Afraid to Have Courageous Conversations
    Being a woman is tough. A reported 1 in 5 is sexually assaulted throughout her lifetime. Oh, but to make that number even more saddening, assault in the home (where it occurs most) is HIGHLY under reported. Wouldn’t it be great if this 20% of women spoke to other women about their experiences,  in an effort to combat this heart breaking problem as well as starting the healing process for these other women. BE COURAGEOUS. Talk about stuff that’s uncomfortable. You never know who needs to hear your story, to gain the courage to share theirs.

In order to give this topic the respect it deserves, I’d have to start an entirely new blog dedicated to it …I promise I will, someday. Women are badasses, but we need to support each other in order to truly thrive as a gender at this point in time. Gender equality isn’t where it should be yet: we still have work to do. So be courageous and have those uncomfortable talks with others; be a mentor; help someone at work that you see a little of yourself in; pay-it-forward; stay away from men and women who don’t support your beliefs; collaborate and share- I’m here, supporting you, and telling you -you ARE great in all that you tackle in life. Be brilliant, and be advocates for one another.

 To Be Continued,

B&B

 

 

 

 

Unsent Messages

To the man who describes himself as a broken-hearted hero, 

I thought love was jealous, fragile, and painful. I thought everyone who loved deeply, did so complicatedly. 

Since you, I’ve discovered love through the purest of sources: friendship and kindness. 

The kind of love that makes me feel seen. The kind of love that makes me feel heard. 

It’s that kind of familial love I didn’t realize I already knew, and had no idea I would someday gain even more of. 

Because of what I’ve learned since you, I was ready for him. To see him. To hear him. To love him. 

I’m thankful for where my path has brought me. I hope you can say the same. 

Sincerely, 

The confident queen who walked away

Love letters from a fembot

You took my compliment as an insult, and for that I must explain: when I say I love you the way I love women, it’s the highest compliment I can offer.

I know these women.
I know their hearts.
I trust their intentions.
I trust their judgement.

Telling you I love you the way I love my women, it says

I know you.
I know your heart.
I trust your intentions.
I trust your judgement.

The men in my life come and go. Though I hold their friendships dear to my heart, the ties always tend to fade.

The women, they’re for life.

Pick any one of them, and I can honestly say there will never be another her.

Just as there will now never be another you.

I tell you I love you the way I love my women, because it’s honest and because it’s true.

Representing the reality

I haven’t written in a while, as I’ve been busy moving all over the place and starting a new job. Also, I found myself in a funk recently, as I tend to do when my life gets overwhelming and I see areas that I should be doing better in. I’ve been trying to stay away from comparing myself to others for as long as I could remember, but it didn’t dawn on me until recently that I compare myself to an inaccurate memory of my own past performance. Funks are hard to get out of… but I’m finally to a point where I feel positive, and like my normal self.

What helped me address my funk was realizing that the reality of myself and my past was not well represented. This is the time of Instagram… we take 40 photos of ourselves in a given situation, choose the most flattering one, post it, and delete the 39 undesirables. How the hell is anyone supposed to maintain a positive self-concept if we don’t accurately represent ourselves? This isn’t to suggest that my entire self-esteem revolves around how I look, but when I’m already feeling like I’m under-performing my past…old Instagram photos sure aren’t doing me any favors.

The same could be said about our society… we have models that don’t represent a true sample of the population, our entertainers are paid to look their absolute best and shamed when they don’t………which just leads to more and more of us “regulars” feelings like the unperformed. Of late, I’d been really harsh on myself for gaining 8 lbs in the last year, and not keeping up with my good habits. I would send myself into shame spirals just by looking at old Instagram photos, and thinking “I had it together back then…what the fuck happened this year?”  Well, what happened is that I’m human, and sometimes humans fluctuate in weight, and go through life ruts. What matters to me is being healthy, and feeling good about myself and the cosmos. The rest will sort itself out.

I saw something recently that said “love yourself in the same way you so freely love others,” and I was like “holy fuck, I would never shame someone for going through a rut or for feeling like they’ve been under-performing their past. I’d fucking lift them up and make them feel supported and smothered by my love!” -So, why the hell shouldn’t I do that for myself? …I should. YOU SHOULD. We ALL should.

I turned 25 this year, and even though I do practice quite a bit of self love….it’s good to be reminded that I’m not done learning how to love and accept myself as I am: human. Maybe I’ll look at those 39 “undesirables” with more love next time, and definitely not delete every single one of them, because I’ve learned (time after time) that that does more harm than good. And maybe I’ll work on smothering my own self with love, by lifting myself up the way I would my loved ones.

26 is going to be a good year for me, and I’m looking forward to taking this lesson into the new year with me.

P.S. Guys, today is our one year anniversary and we hit 11k followers this month….that’s fucking outrageous. I could never imagine that I would have fallen head over heals with a project in the way that I did when I created this with the help of my “team” (aka besties). Holy shit. Instagram is the bulk of what brings traffic onto this site, so if you want (sometimes) hourly updates on where I’m at with life be sure to follow us on IG @BasicAndBipolar.

Thank you for all the IG, FB, and WP love!! I can’t even begin to express my gratitude over having so many genuine people follow along. We’re all so lucky to share our stories and path with all of you.

xx

To Be Continued,

B&B

International Day of Peace Should Be Every Day

Change starts with the disallowing of others to drag their muddy footprints through your head and heart. Be positive, and spread love. Be stubborn in this; positivity is just as intoxicating as negativity is. Choose love. Choose peace. Teach both. 🙏❤️🌍 #InternationalDayOfPeace #PositivityOverNegativity

I Repeat, I Am NOT Chill 

I’m not cool or “chill”. It’s just a simple fact about me.

Quick story:

After an embarrassing amount of failed attempts at getting movies back from the flakiest fuckboy I’ve ever encountered, he felt the need to tell me “Chill, girl. You’re really cool, but damn.. sometimes, you’re too much.” And that’s obviously when I acted like a complete mature, composed adult and told him to go fuck himself if he couldn’t manage to return my stuff like a proper fucking adult would….Did I say mature/composed? I meant, a complete mad woman who would have throat punched him if he had told me to “chill” in person.

I am not a low-key, chill chick (whatever the fuck ‘cool’ or ‘chill’ even mean in that context). I don’t even mildly exude that. I’m high energy, and a relatively demanding person that is definitely too much for some people. *My best friend likes to compare me to a puppy, because I’m both playful and will whine relentlessly until my loved ones surrender to my whims*

Are these qualities everyone loves? Definitely not. Do I pretend to be anything but a neurotic goofball? Goodness no. If I’m “too much” it means that I’m not for you, so get to stepping. I’m fine with who I am.

Also, ladies…how many of us love being told to “chill” or “relax”?? Sigh. They never learn.

I’m so not cool, guys. I like getting my stuff back after I stop seeing someone -it only seems fair. I also really like adult conversations that don’t lead to “show me your tits”, relationships that involve labels, and I LOVE having specific plans to which the other adult shows up on time (8 pm does NOT mean 9:30pm).

To any future flakey fuckboys to cross my path, I’m not chill…I will NEVER be chill. Stop requesting it of me.

To Be Continued,

B&B

Kicking and Screaming 

Today in Podcasts You Should Be Obsessed With: Kicking and Screaming, brought to you by Jenna and Bodhi Elfman. 

There’s seriously nothing I love more than a couple that has been together for basically ever and they do nothing but keep it real.  

This is the time of Facebook and Instagram posts, declaring undying love for a soulmate. Well, I don’t know about any of yall, but I’ve never dated an actual unicorn…and I’ve also never done heroine, so the euphoria these people express towards their lovers just confuses the shit out of me. Real love, to me, is someone who chooses you daily, and can still say “God, you’re fucking annoying sometimes. Still love you though!” 

I love LOVE love watching their podcasts. Jenna Elfman will for ever be my favorite hippy queen; Dharma, and their relationship is REAL. They actually express their annoyances towards one another. 

Check out their podcast, Kicking and Screaming, where they talk life, sex, parenting, and the perils of trying to get to your flight on time when your kid has to take the biggest number two there ever was. 

B&B 

Fuckboy Spotting 

In my opinion, a “fuckboy” is any homie who thinks he can use as many women as he’d like for whatever he wants!

Young/old, tall/short, big dick/small dick…they’re all the same: not interested in relationships, and just present for a free show.

If you’re also sick of fuckboys, Adam Ray has got your back on how to spot the little shits: