Reason 387 Why I Suck At Being A Millennial

 

I will never be a “chill chick” or good at being a millennial in the dating world. I don’t like unspoken understandings, and pretending I’m “cool” with never being clear on where things are headed.

A while back I realized that I was constantly settling for unspoken sentiments and understandings in my romantic life -which happens to be a huge fucking trend among millennials. I was dating someone who I felt was constantly letting me down, and they never actually apologized for their fuck-ups. I just got gifts and an abundance of attention for, what felt like, five minutes… and then everything resumed to it’s regularly scheduled awkward avoidance. I had settled for them so much so, that I realized we never really defined our relationship or where it was going…because awkward conversations were avoided at all costs. We had such a flimsy foundation in our relationship that the only way any obstacle was ever addressed was through bouts of ignoring followed by petty arguing… so mind-games.

I never thought I would be someone who would contribute to such a rotten aspect of the dating world, but I was! I played mind-games and I was good at it… gross!

That’s what I had resorted to in this relationship, because I was terrified of asking for clarification and demanding more out of a partner. I genuinely think a lot of game playing boils down to how unwilling we ALL are to be vulnerable and to be honest about our intentions and feelings. With this lack of communication comes so much insecurity that usually leads to settling for unspoken sentiments and understandings.

Now, I’m not talking about the occasional unspoken sentiments that will occur among loved ones. I’m talking the situations that we find ourselves in when we haven’t defined our relationships, because no one likes to have difficult conversations anymore. I’m talking the unspoken fights and makeups we have, because no one likes voicing that their feelings are hurt or they feel undervalued in their relationship.

Unfortunately, this whole “unspoken understanding” concept is one that has reappeared throughout my dating life a lot. It had been a very annoying trend for me, because much like many other women in our society, I’m terrified of sounding assumptive and demanding and contributing towards all of those “crazy chick” stereotypes. But honestly, fuck stereotypes. I don’t really care if I’m associated with that rude label anymore, because I’d rather be myself than pretending I’m comfortable in a situation I really can’t stand.

To break the cycle, I decided a while back to stop giving credit to people who haven’t earned it. I no longer settle for the unspoken sentiment or understanding. I refuse to accept situations that go undefined. They make me wildly uncomfortable. I love labels (and label makers, FYI), so I need clarification in my relationships. I will NOT commit myself to someone who hasn’t been forward and open about being committed to me. I can’t stand the situationships where it’s not discussed whether we’re exclusive and heading in a “together” direction. Assuming we’re on the same page as someone else who has their own unique mind and set of beliefs is absolute insanity, in my opinion.

This is all just one more example of how “unchill” and horrible at being a millennial I am.

*sigh*

To be continued,

B&B

Women Supporting Women

fem rants 

“There is a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.”
 –Madeleine Albright, former United States Ambassador to the United  Nations

 

It’s International Women’s Day, and guess what?? Feminist rants really are my jam! Here’s one of my favorites: the importance of supporting your fellow female badass……


Is there anything more special than having female friends?

I’ve noticed over the years that it appears to be a really trendy thing to label oneself as a “guy’s girl”, or the type of girl who “has more guy friends than girl friends”, because “women attract drama.”  Now, there’s obviously nothing wrong with having an abundance of male friends; I have plenty of guy friends. I’m talking about the women who avoid making friends with women-This has never been true for me. I was raised only by women, and I have been for women and all about women supporting women since before I understood the obstacles that a woman faces throughout her life. I can tell you from a lifetime of fembot training, WOMEN ARE BADASSES. We really are. YOU are a goddess, and so is the girl in the cube next to you. Carry yourself, and your bonds in a manner that pays tribute to that. Support other women; we all need it. No one understands us better than our gender does.

There’s a really special bond between female friends. Whether that bond be because we know what it’s like to have our baby box try to ruin us from the inside every month, or if it’s because we understand what it’s like to be judged the way we are by our appearance (tattooed, pierced, hair colored), by our having (or not having) children, by our choice in clothing, by our lifestyle choices, etc. Women understand women. Men have struggles, too. I’m not invalidating that, but they don’t struggle in the same manner in which a woman will throughout her lifetime.

Why is it important to support your fellow lady?

Women helping other women is the right thing to do. While not the only factor, it is most definitely one of the major arteries on the road to success. After all, what are we all doing here if not to help one another? The old stereotypes about women are tired and frankly, boring. Life is hard. Work is hard. Let’s cut one another a break and give the overly competitive, passive/aggressive and martyr behaviors a permanent rest. It’s time.” *Retrieved from 10 Reasons Why Women Should Support Women


This blogger hit the nail right on the head -what are we doing here if it isn’t to help one another achieve our maximum potential!?  Cutting one another down doesn’t do either party any good. No woman benefits from treating other women as if they aren’t worth our energy. In the work place, it’s tougher to gain respect as a woman than it is a man (this is widely known) -help a sister out! Don’t use the age-old excuse of “I had to fight to get where I am; she should, too!” False. She shouldn’t. If someone before you had done her part, your path wouldn’t have been riddled with difficulty. Do.Your.Part

ovaries

Author of “The Woman Code”, Sophia Nelson has a twenty tips to her fellow woman on how to navigate the waters of empowering your fellow sister. Here are a few that I found helpful from an article I discovered about female empowerment along with my personal thoughts:

  1. Steer Clear of women who “don’t do female friends”
    I swear I just said this. Oh, wait.. it’s because I did. This is a complete bullshit trend. I choose to believe the women who choose this path, choose it out of the ignorance of not having had fruitful female bonds in the past. It’s good to steer clear without judging her for her choices. Never put her down, but remember that you are the company you keep, ladies. If she’s someone who doesn’t “do girlfriends”, then she probably doesn’t have similar priorities or social tendencies as you and you can respectfully side-step and find a new friend elsewhere. Her interests don’t align with yours, and it’s difficult to maintain friendships when someone doesn’t support your beliefs.
  2. Collaborate and Share
    This is a lot similar to the excerpt from the blog that I inserted above. Her angle is to come together to achieve greatness, instead of competing the way society wants us to. Tell your girls the stuff they need to hear: you ARE beautiful, you ARE worth it, you CAN do this, etc. This concept can be as drastic as major life decisions, to the smallest decisions -no one buys $300 shoes without asking her best girl if she really needs them (which is likely a “fuck-no”. Homie, no one actually needs $300 shoes. Get a budget app, and then come back to me on whether or not you can afford those heals.)
  3. Be A Mentor
    This is one of those situations where you see someone struggling with something you (or someone close to you) has struggled with. Talk about it. Share your experience. Assist them in tackling this obstacle. Everyone needs a mentor-especially women.
  4. Pay-it-forward
    When you had someone help you through something, pay it forward. Help them in return. Even if all you give them in return is emotional support, it’s appreciated!
  5. Never Be Afraid to Have Courageous Conversations
    Being a woman is tough. A reported 1 in 5 is sexually assaulted throughout her lifetime. Oh, but to make that number even more saddening, assault in the home (where it occurs most) is HIGHLY under reported. Wouldn’t it be great if this 20% of women spoke to other women about their experiences,  in an effort to combat this heart breaking problem as well as starting the healing process for these other women. BE COURAGEOUS. Talk about stuff that’s uncomfortable. You never know who needs to hear your story, to gain the courage to share theirs.

In order to give this topic the respect it deserves, I’d have to start an entirely new blog dedicated to it …I promise I will, someday. Women are badasses, but we need to support each other in order to truly thrive as a gender at this point in time. Gender equality isn’t where it should be yet: we still have work to do. So be courageous and have those uncomfortable talks with others; be a mentor; help someone at work that you see a little of yourself in; pay-it-forward; stay away from men and women who don’t support your beliefs; collaborate and share- I’m here, supporting you, and telling you -you ARE great in all that you tackle in life. Be brilliant, and be advocates for one another.

 To Be Continued,

B&B

 

 

 

 

Unsent Messages

To the man who describes himself as a broken-hearted hero, 

I thought love was jealous, fragile, and painful. I thought everyone who loved deeply, did so complicatedly. 

Since you, I’ve discovered love through the purest of sources: friendship and kindness. 

The kind of love that makes me feel seen. The kind of love that makes me feel heard. 

It’s that kind of familial love I didn’t realize I already knew, and had no idea I would someday gain even more of. 

Because of what I’ve learned since you, I was ready for him. To see him. To hear him. To love him. 

I’m thankful for where my path has brought me. I hope you can say the same. 

Sincerely, 

The confident queen who walked away

Love letters from a fembot

You took my compliment as an insult, and for that I must explain: when I say I love you the way I love women, it’s the highest compliment I can offer.

I know these women.
I know their hearts.
I trust their intentions.
I trust their judgement.

Telling you I love you the way I love my women, it says

I know you.
I know your heart.
I trust your intentions.
I trust your judgement.

The men in my life come and go. Though I hold their friendships dear to my heart, the ties always tend to fade.

The women, they’re for life.

Pick any one of them, and I can honestly say there will never be another her.

Just as there will now never be another you.

I tell you I love you the way I love my women, because it’s honest and because it’s true.

Representing the reality

I haven’t written in a while, as I’ve been busy moving all over the place and starting a new job. Also, I found myself in a funk recently, as I tend to do when my life gets overwhelming and I see areas that I should be doing better in. I’ve been trying to stay away from comparing myself to others for as long as I could remember, but it didn’t dawn on me until recently that I compare myself to an inaccurate memory of my own past performance. Funks are hard to get out of… but I’m finally to a point where I feel positive, and like my normal self.

What helped me address my funk was realizing that the reality of myself and my past was not well represented. This is the time of Instagram… we take 40 photos of ourselves in a given situation, choose the most flattering one, post it, and delete the 39 undesirables. How the hell is anyone supposed to maintain a positive self-concept if we don’t accurately represent ourselves? This isn’t to suggest that my entire self-esteem revolves around how I look, but when I’m already feeling like I’m under-performing my past…old Instagram photos sure aren’t doing me any favors.

The same could be said about our society… we have models that don’t represent a true sample of the population, our entertainers are paid to look their absolute best and shamed when they don’t………which just leads to more and more of us “regulars” feelings like the unperformed. Of late, I’d been really harsh on myself for gaining 8 lbs in the last year, and not keeping up with my good habits. I would send myself into shame spirals just by looking at old Instagram photos, and thinking “I had it together back then…what the fuck happened this year?”  Well, what happened is that I’m human, and sometimes humans fluctuate in weight, and go through life ruts. What matters to me is being healthy, and feeling good about myself and the cosmos. The rest will sort itself out.

I saw something recently that said “love yourself in the same way you so freely love others,” and I was like “holy fuck, I would never shame someone for going through a rut or for feeling like they’ve been under-performing their past. I’d fucking lift them up and make them feel supported and smothered by my love!” -So, why the hell shouldn’t I do that for myself? …I should. YOU SHOULD. We ALL should.

I turned 25 this year, and even though I do practice quite a bit of self love….it’s good to be reminded that I’m not done learning how to love and accept myself as I am: human. Maybe I’ll look at those 39 “undesirables” with more love next time, and definitely not delete every single one of them, because I’ve learned (time after time) that that does more harm than good. And maybe I’ll work on smothering my own self with love, by lifting myself up the way I would my loved ones.

26 is going to be a good year for me, and I’m looking forward to taking this lesson into the new year with me.

P.S. Guys, today is our one year anniversary and we hit 11k followers this month….that’s fucking outrageous. I could never imagine that I would have fallen head over heals with a project in the way that I did when I created this with the help of my “team” (aka besties). Holy shit. Instagram is the bulk of what brings traffic onto this site, so if you want (sometimes) hourly updates on where I’m at with life be sure to follow us on IG @BasicAndBipolar.

Thank you for all the IG, FB, and WP love!! I can’t even begin to express my gratitude over having so many genuine people follow along. We’re all so lucky to share our stories and path with all of you.

xx

To Be Continued,

B&B

International Day of Peace Should Be Every Day

Change starts with the disallowing of others to drag their muddy footprints through your head and heart. Be positive, and spread love. Be stubborn in this; positivity is just as intoxicating as negativity is. Choose love. Choose peace. Teach both. 🙏❤️🌍 #InternationalDayOfPeace #PositivityOverNegativity

I Repeat, I Am NOT Chill 

I’m not cool or “chill”. It’s just a simple fact about me.

Quick story:

After an embarrassing amount of failed attempts at getting movies back from the flakiest fuckboy I’ve ever encountered, he felt the need to tell me “Chill, girl. You’re really cool, but damn.. sometimes, you’re too much.” And that’s obviously when I acted like a complete mature, composed adult and told him to go fuck himself if he couldn’t manage to return my stuff like a proper fucking adult would….Did I say mature/composed? I meant, a complete mad woman who would have throat punched him if he had told me to “chill” in person.

I am not a low-key, chill chick (whatever the fuck ‘cool’ or ‘chill’ even mean in that context). I don’t even mildly exude that. I’m high energy, and a relatively demanding person that is definitely too much for some people. *My best friend likes to compare me to a puppy, because I’m both playful and will whine relentlessly until my loved ones surrender to my whims*

Are these qualities everyone loves? Definitely not. Do I pretend to be anything but a neurotic goofball? Goodness no. If I’m “too much” it means that I’m not for you, so get to stepping. I’m fine with who I am.

Also, ladies…how many of us love being told to “chill” or “relax”?? Sigh. They never learn.

I’m so not cool, guys. I like getting my stuff back after I stop seeing someone -it only seems fair. I also really like adult conversations that don’t lead to “show me your tits”, relationships that involve labels, and I LOVE having specific plans to which the other adult shows up on time (8 pm does NOT mean 9:30pm).

To any future flakey fuckboys to cross my path, I’m not chill…I will NEVER be chill. Stop requesting it of me.

To Be Continued,

B&B

Kicking and Screaming 

Today in Podcasts You Should Be Obsessed With: Kicking and Screaming, brought to you by Jenna and Bodhi Elfman. 

There’s seriously nothing I love more than a couple that has been together for basically ever and they do nothing but keep it real.  

This is the time of Facebook and Instagram posts, declaring undying love for a soulmate. Well, I don’t know about any of yall, but I’ve never dated an actual unicorn…and I’ve also never done heroine, so the euphoria these people express towards their lovers just confuses the shit out of me. Real love, to me, is someone who chooses you daily, and can still say “God, you’re fucking annoying sometimes. Still love you though!” 

I love LOVE love watching their podcasts. Jenna Elfman will for ever be my favorite hippy queen; Dharma, and their relationship is REAL. They actually express their annoyances towards one another. 

Check out their podcast, Kicking and Screaming, where they talk life, sex, parenting, and the perils of trying to get to your flight on time when your kid has to take the biggest number two there ever was. 

B&B 

Fuckboy Spotting 

In my opinion, a “fuckboy” is any homie who thinks he can use as many women as he’d like for whatever he wants!

Young/old, tall/short, big dick/small dick…they’re all the same: not interested in relationships, and just present for a free show.

If you’re also sick of fuckboys, Adam Ray has got your back on how to spot the little shits:

Tinder Tale I

tinderTinder Tales I

At this point, I know very few people who haven’t tried tinder. They’ve either tried it just for laughs, or to actually meet people. I know a very small portion who have actually pursued relationships with tinder matches, and I’m happy to say they’re all doing really well.

I won’t lie, I felt a little weird trying it. I knew it was basically a hook-up app, and I had no idea if that was what I was even looking for. I just knew I wanted to meet new people and have fun. It was the summer before I was turning 25, and I decided it was time for me to have a scandalous summer. I’m too big of a control freak to ever commit to anything scandalous, so it was time for me to let go a little, and try something new. However, as a writer and scientist, I obsessively journal any and every new life venture so I can (much) later look at my experience (semi) objectively. Lucky for all of you beautiful creatures, you get to relive my experience with me.

So, here’s my first Tinder Tale:

“When Joan&Jane Were Sailors”

Before I start the story, I should add that Joan is my roommate’s nickname/drunk alterego. No one pronounces her name correctly and  we decided on Joan, because it sounds sort of “badass office lady”. Also, Joan and I work together in addition to our being roommates. For most, it would be too much time with one person, but we’re basically two different sides of the same coin; we make a great team at work and outside of work… it works for us, and has for years.

So, one night after a really shitty day at work, we decided to get the pool floaties out and drink a bottle of rum in our pool. After getting a little sauced, we decided to go out for some cocktails -because we ran out of rum.

I met up with the Dodger that I slept with once (who I met through tinder, but that’s a story for another day), and Joan met up with a previous Tinder Tackle turned long-term friend who had flown in for the night.

I got annoyed with the Dodger, because he was nothing short of one of the flakiest guys I had ever hung out with and was being wishy washy about where he wanted to go (as far as which bar) -total shocker..an athlete with a short attention-span. So, I decided to pretend to ignore him. Drunk or sober, I’m not great at ignoring or even pretending to ignore people. So, my attempt at pretending was, I’m sure, laughable at best. I just rolled my eyes at him and didn’t follow him to his stupid VIP section. I think all I said was “Nah. I might go home. See yah.”, and then I took my pouty attitude to the other side of the bar. Joan, her friend, and I decided to stay at this same bar because after my attempt at passive aggressiveness, I was stuck in this rapid cycle of “take a shot, dance for 10 minutes, take a lap to make sure he’s having a miserable time (I’m a little batty…drunk or sober *I embrace it), and repeat! We did that for about an hour, and my friends were ready to strangle me.

Eventually, Joan and her friend got bored of the workout my crazy was giving them, and we decided to head to a few other bars. I eventually got them to go back to the original bar, claiming that the music was better. Joan’s friend got refused at the door because they thought he was too drunk…. I have no idea why I didn’t set off any alarms, but I still got in so I didn’t care -I didn’t see Joan after that until we left for work the next morning.

So, I’m at the first bar and I went straight to my dodger(because I obviously knew his exact location) and told him to take me home because my sandal broke and I was tired. He complied, and gave me a piggy back ride to our uber, while holding my sandal because I was too busy being devastated over my broken shoe to hold it myself. On our way home to his flat, I flirted with the cutest Dominican uber driver… in front of my dodger (who just laughed the whole time, while still holding my shoe). When we got back to his place, at 5’2” tall (1.5 meters), I attempted to give this 6’2” (1.9 meters) solid muscly athlete a piggy back ride into the house. We fall at least three times, but I got him through that threshold!! After that, I had decided that I’m basically the hulk.

What happened between the attempts to carry him into the house and my having to pee shortly after is still a little blurry, and was probably full of “I could probably arm wrestle you and win!”(I’m embarrassing, guys). But regardless of what ridiculous shit happened between those two moments, I had to pee. I eventually got to his bathroom  and this was one of those bathrooms that conjoins two bedrooms. So, I was wearing a romper (with no-bra), and I was paranoid that taking my romper off to pee would intuitively lure someone into walking into the bathroom to see me…basically naked, just to pee. Well, I ended up locking both doors.

I somehow managed to keep the door to the baseball player’s bedroom locked even after having opened it to exit the bathroom…Leaving both doors to this bathroom locked, preventing anyone from being able to use the rest room for the entirety of the evening. So, at 4:30 am there was my sexy (mostly) naked athlete taking the bathroom door off it’s hinges. While doing this, he was mumbling that it was probably “that stupid tart my friend brought home”, so I agreed and even threw in a “she sounds like a mess!”. I did nothing to help this situation. I took a few photos of him struggling, snapped them to Joan, giggled a bit, then passed the fuck out -because I’m obviously that sort of “fun time” that you take home, locks you out of your bathroom, giggles while you’re struggling, then passes out… and I was probably drooling all over the place. I’m a gem, guys..I really am. Tinder should probably use this story as a testimonial on their site.

The next morning when I woke up for work, my Dodger and I were both still drunk. Still wearing the REALLY short romper I was in the night before, I stole a t-shirt from the Dodger, threw it over my clothes to give myself a little more length in the material department and made my way home. How I managed to get a ride home is still beyond me. Luckily, I made it home with enough time to brush my teeth, and throw my hair up.

After getting home, I found what the night had left of Joan… She was not only still drunk, but had lost her underwear at some point. Apparently she and her friend both woke up with random cuts and bruises and were 80% sure that they beat the shit out of each other during what we assume was really intense foreplay or a back alley fight club. Joan threw up in the bathroom at work twice, and I walked around looking like someone ran me over…twice.

Joan and I had a pretty successful night. We decided being sailors was probably for us, and that we should probably find a boat and take our show to the sea.

*I had talked to the Dodger  for somewhere around a week. He was also not actually a dodger. Just an athlete (team unknown). He was gorgeous, and lovely but we didn’t have a lot in common outside of us both liking his statuesque body. Joan is still really good friend’s with her Tinder Tackle turned bestie.

Do I have any ex or current Tinder users out there in my following!? Or any other site for that matter? I know Tinder doesn’t have the best reputation, and to be honest, I never took tinder seriously. I basically used it to try out different personalities for fun. My next Tinder Tale will be about how one of my best friends and I posed as a lesbian couple looking for a “third”, just for a good laugh (I’m an asshole)…and for the free drinks. 😉

To Be Continued,

B&B