Women Supporting Women

fem rants 

“There is a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.”
 –Madeleine Albright, former United States Ambassador to the United  Nations

 

It’s International Women’s Day, and guess what?? Feminist rants really are my jam! Here’s one of my favorites: the importance of supporting your fellow female badass……


Is there anything more special than having female friends?

I’ve noticed over the years that it appears to be a really trendy thing to label oneself as a “guy’s girl”, or the type of girl who “has more guy friends than girl friends”, because “women attract drama.”  Now, there’s obviously nothing wrong with having an abundance of male friends; I have plenty of guy friends. I’m talking about the women who avoid making friends with women-This has never been true for me. I was raised only by women, and I have been for women and all about women supporting women since before I understood the obstacles that a woman faces throughout her life. I can tell you from a lifetime of fembot training, WOMEN ARE BADASSES. We really are. YOU are a goddess, and so is the girl in the cube next to you. Carry yourself, and your bonds in a manner that pays tribute to that. Support other women; we all need it. No one understands us better than our gender does.

There’s a really special bond between female friends. Whether that bond be because we know what it’s like to have our baby box try to ruin us from the inside every month, or if it’s because we understand what it’s like to be judged the way we are by our appearance (tattooed, pierced, hair colored), by our having (or not having) children, by our choice in clothing, by our lifestyle choices, etc. Women understand women. Men have struggles, too. I’m not invalidating that, but they don’t struggle in the same manner in which a woman will throughout her lifetime.

Why is it important to support your fellow lady?

Women helping other women is the right thing to do. While not the only factor, it is most definitely one of the major arteries on the road to success. After all, what are we all doing here if not to help one another? The old stereotypes about women are tired and frankly, boring. Life is hard. Work is hard. Let’s cut one another a break and give the overly competitive, passive/aggressive and martyr behaviors a permanent rest. It’s time.” *Retrieved from 10 Reasons Why Women Should Support Women


This blogger hit the nail right on the head -what are we doing here if it isn’t to help one another achieve our maximum potential!?  Cutting one another down doesn’t do either party any good. No woman benefits from treating other women as if they aren’t worth our energy. In the work place, it’s tougher to gain respect as a woman than it is a man (this is widely known) -help a sister out! Don’t use the age-old excuse of “I had to fight to get where I am; she should, too!” False. She shouldn’t. If someone before you had done her part, your path wouldn’t have been riddled with difficulty. Do.Your.Part

ovaries

Author of “The Woman Code”, Sophia Nelson has a twenty tips to her fellow woman on how to navigate the waters of empowering your fellow sister. Here are a few that I found helpful from an article I discovered about female empowerment along with my personal thoughts:

  1. Steer Clear of women who “don’t do female friends”
    I swear I just said this. Oh, wait.. it’s because I did. This is a complete bullshit trend. I choose to believe the women who choose this path, choose it out of the ignorance of not having had fruitful female bonds in the past. It’s good to steer clear without judging her for her choices. Never put her down, but remember that you are the company you keep, ladies. If she’s someone who doesn’t “do girlfriends”, then she probably doesn’t have similar priorities or social tendencies as you and you can respectfully side-step and find a new friend elsewhere. Her interests don’t align with yours, and it’s difficult to maintain friendships when someone doesn’t support your beliefs.
  2. Collaborate and Share
    This is a lot similar to the excerpt from the blog that I inserted above. Her angle is to come together to achieve greatness, instead of competing the way society wants us to. Tell your girls the stuff they need to hear: you ARE beautiful, you ARE worth it, you CAN do this, etc. This concept can be as drastic as major life decisions, to the smallest decisions -no one buys $300 shoes without asking her best girl if she really needs them (which is likely a “fuck-no”. Homie, no one actually needs $300 shoes. Get a budget app, and then come back to me on whether or not you can afford those heals.)
  3. Be A Mentor
    This is one of those situations where you see someone struggling with something you (or someone close to you) has struggled with. Talk about it. Share your experience. Assist them in tackling this obstacle. Everyone needs a mentor-especially women.
  4. Pay-it-forward
    When you had someone help you through something, pay it forward. Help them in return. Even if all you give them in return is emotional support, it’s appreciated!
  5. Never Be Afraid to Have Courageous Conversations
    Being a woman is tough. A reported 1 in 5 is sexually assaulted throughout her lifetime. Oh, but to make that number even more saddening, assault in the home (where it occurs most) is HIGHLY under reported. Wouldn’t it be great if this 20% of women spoke to other women about their experiences,  in an effort to combat this heart breaking problem as well as starting the healing process for these other women. BE COURAGEOUS. Talk about stuff that’s uncomfortable. You never know who needs to hear your story, to gain the courage to share theirs.

In order to give this topic the respect it deserves, I’d have to start an entirely new blog dedicated to it …I promise I will, someday. Women are badasses, but we need to support each other in order to truly thrive as a gender at this point in time. Gender equality isn’t where it should be yet: we still have work to do. So be courageous and have those uncomfortable talks with others; be a mentor; help someone at work that you see a little of yourself in; pay-it-forward; stay away from men and women who don’t support your beliefs; collaborate and share- I’m here, supporting you, and telling you -you ARE great in all that you tackle in life. Be brilliant, and be advocates for one another.

 To Be Continued,

B&B

 

 

 

 

Representing the reality

I haven’t written in a while, as I’ve been busy moving all over the place and starting a new job. Also, I found myself in a funk recently, as I tend to do when my life gets overwhelming and I see areas that I should be doing better in. I’ve been trying to stay away from comparing myself to others for as long as I could remember, but it didn’t dawn on me until recently that I compare myself to an inaccurate memory of my own past performance. Funks are hard to get out of… but I’m finally to a point where I feel positive, and like my normal self.

What helped me address my funk was realizing that the reality of myself and my past was not well represented. This is the time of Instagram… we take 40 photos of ourselves in a given situation, choose the most flattering one, post it, and delete the 39 undesirables. How the hell is anyone supposed to maintain a positive self-concept if we don’t accurately represent ourselves? This isn’t to suggest that my entire self-esteem revolves around how I look, but when I’m already feeling like I’m under-performing my past…old Instagram photos sure aren’t doing me any favors.

The same could be said about our society… we have models that don’t represent a true sample of the population, our entertainers are paid to look their absolute best and shamed when they don’t………which just leads to more and more of us “regulars” feelings like the unperformed. Of late, I’d been really harsh on myself for gaining 8 lbs in the last year, and not keeping up with my good habits. I would send myself into shame spirals just by looking at old Instagram photos, and thinking “I had it together back then…what the fuck happened this year?”  Well, what happened is that I’m human, and sometimes humans fluctuate in weight, and go through life ruts. What matters to me is being healthy, and feeling good about myself and the cosmos. The rest will sort itself out.

I saw something recently that said “love yourself in the same way you so freely love others,” and I was like “holy fuck, I would never shame someone for going through a rut or for feeling like they’ve been under-performing their past. I’d fucking lift them up and make them feel supported and smothered by my love!” -So, why the hell shouldn’t I do that for myself? …I should. YOU SHOULD. We ALL should.

I turned 25 this year, and even though I do practice quite a bit of self love….it’s good to be reminded that I’m not done learning how to love and accept myself as I am: human. Maybe I’ll look at those 39 “undesirables” with more love next time, and definitely not delete every single one of them, because I’ve learned (time after time) that that does more harm than good. And maybe I’ll work on smothering my own self with love, by lifting myself up the way I would my loved ones.

26 is going to be a good year for me, and I’m looking forward to taking this lesson into the new year with me.

P.S. Guys, today is our one year anniversary and we hit 11k followers this month….that’s fucking outrageous. I could never imagine that I would have fallen head over heals with a project in the way that I did when I created this with the help of my “team” (aka besties). Holy shit. Instagram is the bulk of what brings traffic onto this site, so if you want (sometimes) hourly updates on where I’m at with life be sure to follow us on IG @BasicAndBipolar.

Thank you for all the IG, FB, and WP love!! I can’t even begin to express my gratitude over having so many genuine people follow along. We’re all so lucky to share our stories and path with all of you.

xx

To Be Continued,

B&B

I Repeat, I Am NOT Chill 

I’m not cool or “chill”. It’s just a simple fact about me.

Quick story:

After an embarrassing amount of failed attempts at getting movies back from the flakiest fuckboy I’ve ever encountered, he felt the need to tell me “Chill, girl. You’re really cool, but damn.. sometimes, you’re too much.” And that’s obviously when I acted like a complete mature, composed adult and told him to go fuck himself if he couldn’t manage to return my stuff like a proper fucking adult would….Did I say mature/composed? I meant, a complete mad woman who would have throat punched him if he had told me to “chill” in person.

I am not a low-key, chill chick (whatever the fuck ‘cool’ or ‘chill’ even mean in that context). I don’t even mildly exude that. I’m high energy, and a relatively demanding person that is definitely too much for some people. *My best friend likes to compare me to a puppy, because I’m both playful and will whine relentlessly until my loved ones surrender to my whims*

Are these qualities everyone loves? Definitely not. Do I pretend to be anything but a neurotic goofball? Goodness no. If I’m “too much” it means that I’m not for you, so get to stepping. I’m fine with who I am.

Also, ladies…how many of us love being told to “chill” or “relax”?? Sigh. They never learn.

I’m so not cool, guys. I like getting my stuff back after I stop seeing someone -it only seems fair. I also really like adult conversations that don’t lead to “show me your tits”, relationships that involve labels, and I LOVE having specific plans to which the other adult shows up on time (8 pm does NOT mean 9:30pm).

To any future flakey fuckboys to cross my path, I’m not chill…I will NEVER be chill. Stop requesting it of me.

To Be Continued,

B&B

Drunk Text That Ex

imageUnless you’re me, and your drunk alter ego is a shady c**t who erases all evidence that you drunk texted AND called your ex the night before.

This is why it’s important to deal with our shit during the day, guys… If we push our feelings down, they’ll bubble up and demand to be acknowledged when we’re in NO capacity to deal with them.

I’m Basic&Bipolar, and I am a chronic drunk texter.

So, apparently after four+ vodkas, I decided to tell my ex he still hasn’t given my movies back after several requests, and “damnit I want them back. They’re mine, you fuck!” -which is wildly embarrassing, and we all know how well anyone would comply to a request like that.

Are any of you equally as embarrassing when drunk and irritated!? -Because I’m embarrassing, and I love a good ‘hot mess’ story! I want to hear ‘m -I know I’m not the only crazy ass out there!

To Be Continued,

B&B

NoChillChicksHere

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I am the furthest thing from being a “cool chick”.

This is my dating reality: 

I have no idea how to navigate the dating world. I know what type of relationship I want, but I have no idea how to weed through contenders. You’d think I’d have better asshole radar after a decade of dating, but I don’t. And I want to stab myself in the eye every time I hear the phrase “I’m just looking for a chill chick to, you know, hang with.”

Let’s discuss the phenomenon that is “the cool chick”

This concept is one that is pushed on women a lot. I absolutely hate the concept of her. She’s not real: she’s a sexist concept that was probably created by beer commercials.  From what I gather, a “cool” or “chill” chick is the following: unbothered by flakey-ness, DTF always, never gets too emotional, never gets jealous, loves “dude” activities (whatever that means), doesn’t need relationship labels, she’s adventurous, fearless, and is basically a guy with tits.

I have a few ladies in my coven that would fit the majority of those characteristics…but never too emotional? Always unbothered by flakey-ness? …that’s where I, and most women get lost: flakey-ness should never be tolerated, and being emotional is not a negative behavior. We should celebrate uniqueness from one another, and our emotions are one of those unique things we should not be ashamed to celebrate.

If someone stands me up or flakes on me multiple times, I will probably rid my life of that person (romantic or not). I don’t always like “dude” activities -I hate video games (if that’s a dude activity), and I only have sports knowledge when it’s relevant to me. I like labels (and label makers!), as I find that they assist in providing comfort in budding relationships. I am pretty adventurous, but I’m not even mildly fearless…. as I am afraid of almost everything. I am extremely emotional, and I have no shame in letting it be known that I basically have multiple personalities.

Yeah, I’m definitely not an ideal “cool chick”, and dating in my mid-twenties has been a total grab bag of mixed results. Unrealistic expectations make dating even harder. Women are not two-dimensional creatures. You can’t get the woman that loves sports, AND likes to keep things casual for THREE years. That’s not a thing, guys. We have complex personalities. We aren’t…men. I will probably always be adventurous, but also extremely neurotic and love labels (of all kinds).

Basically, dating in my twenties is the worst. And down with this “chill chick” concept!

To Be Continued,

B&B 

Age and Body Shaming

thenBody shaming is something that has been widely discussed over the course of the last 5-7 years. As a society, it’s slowly becoming less and less acceptable to body shame. In Carrie Fisher’s case, she wasn’t just body shamed, she was also age shamed. People were coming down on her for aging and becoming “softer” than he former 20 year old self.

This is something that hits close to home for all of us…

As a culture, we’re expected to be bikini ready, age flawlessly, and always embrace our “true selves”. How can we do the latter while doing the former? You can’t always embrace your natural state if you’re worried about how people will treat you if you’re not bikini-ready. And let’s also discuss that being bikini-ready shouldn’t be a “thing”. The idea that we don’t look beautiful because we don’t look like a Victoria secret model in a two-piece is an abusive social trend. These standards put WAY too much pressure on the average young woman. I can’t even imagine what these standards do to the average aging woman, let alone the aging woman that was once a sex symbol among geeks of all kinds.

Why do we expect more from her?
This all boils down to people’s perception of beautiful people around the world: beautiful people are inherently good, happy, generous, and age well. -This is obviously incredibly false. Beautiful people are human: they eat, they poop, they can be horrible, they can be wonderful, but most of all…they all age!

She IS our Princess Leia
A lot of “trolls” were commenting that it was almost as if our princess Leia (that we all know and love) was gone, and replaced by this older and “softer” looking woman. Well, trolls, do you think that Han Solo can be a grandpa-aged man, but Leia will stay in her 20’s forever? -She’s not a vampire, and Star Wars is Science Fiction, not Fantasy: people age in Star Wars. Take your vampire and werewolf anti-aging expectations elsewhere: you’re in the wrong genre of geekdom.

Huffington Post covered a few of the hurtful comments that were tweeted directly to Carrie, and they also provided her classy shut down to all of the haters: “Youth and beauty are not accomplishments. They’re temporary by-products [sic] of time and/or DNA. Don’t hold your breath for either.”
YESSSSSSSSSS. Thank you, Carrie Fisher, you classy classy woman. External beauty is NOT permanent, unless you’re Cher. In her case, she’s invested an immeasurable amount of money to appear as if father time has never been in her presence. Good for her, but also good for everyone else who greets him with grace.

Who says just because someone is a public figure that they have to invest money on anti-aging procedures? Shame on you, anti-aging trolls. Look to your parents and grandparents, and think about someone verbally attacking their physique, via social media, for altering over 40 years. It’s cruel and COMPLETELY unacceptable.

What Carrie Fisher endured was horrifying. The original Star Wars movies came out 40 years ago. If anything, be impressed with the fact that she showed up to honor the original duo that is Luke and Leia. -Yes, she was every nerd’s wet dream in the 70’s: how does that mean she’s not allowed to age as the rest of us do!? And why do nerds of 2016 expect hotness from someone who their moms and dads swooned over in the 70’s??    -Your parents are old as fuck, why wouldn’t a character from their era ALSO be aged??? -Keep this in mind when you allow your internal thoughts to become external thoughts. We’re all human, it’s not uncommon to think “holy crap… I didn’t expect this character to age”, but that’s something we say to our friends, or keep to ourselves. Think before spewing hatred, Internet trollers.

nowGood for you, Carrie Fisher, for dealing with these cruel comments in such a classy way. I never took a liking to Princess Leia’s character, but Carrie Fisher definitely has a fan in me. Bravo, Madam.

 

To Be Continued

B&B

 

A Continuation of Crazy Exes

Exes: having one and being one.


Being an ex is weird, and having one may be even weirder.

You get used to a role, and then you’re suddenly dethroned and everything that had happened between you and your partner is not only in the past, but will likely be discussed with his/her future mate. And depending on how poorly it ended, it could end up being discussed as  entertainment in a bar amongst friends and strangers. I had posted earlier about how much I dislike “crazy ex” stories. They seldom portray accuracy, and more often than not, you never find out what lead to this “crazy behavior”.

I had a few different stories messaged and commented onto my Basic&Bipolar Facebook page, and there was a common theme: bad patterns that lead to hurt feelings. I was going to possibly share a few stories that were sent to me, and even one of my own, but I decided against it because I think those stories have probably already been given enough attention by the people who constructed them.

When I hear the phrase “got rid of that crazy bitch”, so much of it saddens me. Partly because she’s a person with feelings, and partly because he’s obviously so ignorant that he has no idea how powerful a phrase like that can be when it’s uttered by someone this person used to love (or may still have lingering feelings for).

I had an ex spin a tale about me, one that (if his audience didn’t know me well) would really question my character as a person. It hurt me deeply when I heard what he had said. Someone I loved had portrayed me as a monster, for the sheer fact that he wasn’t willing to take any responsibility for his role in the demise of our prolonged and messy relationship.

I never understood the need to fabricate stories about exes. I’ve heard blatant lies about myself that were created by my ex, and I thought it was so strange. I am a moody lunatic, and if I have my period, look out world! None of what he said had anything to do with my actual personality or the reality of our breakup. Unfortunately, it did make me wonder if maybe he would have treated me better afterwards had I been less emotional in the end.

It took me a long time to date after hearing such awful things about myself. Why be part of a private relationship if our story will be mutated and rewritten to suit some jerk’s agenda?

I eventually got over it, and did date again. I still think that particular guy can rot, but after the self-doubt passed, I realized he was talking about a fictional person. I am more than the story he depicted. I’m sure some people bought into what he was selling, but I found a certain comfort in him having to lie to make his treatment towards me seem just. It reassured me that the best thing I can do for myself as a person is live my life authentically and to never alter my behavior to suit someone else’s agenda.

I will always be a moody girl who is so agreeable and cool one day, and unapologetically difficult the next. I never depict myself as anything short of that.

Back to you, whoever you may be:  if you are a crazy ex or have one, remember that no one’s words can define you but your own. You’re the only author of YOUR story, so  depict your reality the truest way you can, by being yourself regardless of what anyone says about you. You can never be certain that someone won’t turn out to be a jerk after the relationship is over, so take the high road and make sure you’re not contributing to the gross trend that is “crazy ex story-telling”. Respect your past loves. Respect the time you shared together. And when you do eventually hear these stories, take a second to ask that individual what role they played in the end of that relationship. I can guarantee you’ll get an over-reactive “NOTHING! she’s just that crazy!”, or an awkward pause of silence.

Chin up, my fellow warriors: dating is fucking brutal.

To Be Continued,

B&B

Crazy exes

A girlfriend of mine was just telling me about a “crazy ex girlfriend” story she had heard this weekend, and how grossed out she felt about this girl’s ex telling this story to a complete stranger. That poor woman. Wherever she is. Whoever she is.

How unfair that people seldom share their role in a messy breakup. Share your stories! Message me or comment on the page-I want to hear about you being depicted as the “big bad”, or someone you know being unfairly portrayed after a breakup.

Post eleven will include my feelings on situations like this, and my personal experience with this topic.

To Be Continued,

B&B

New Year, Same Me

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Happy New Year, new friends and old. Cheers to always being the same asshole at 12:01 on January 1st every damn year!

Today I thought I’d take some time to talk about new beginnings:

It’s a new year! This is when we set our intentions for the year, list our goals that we want to achieve over the next 365 days, and really allow ourselves to enjoy that we get to start a brand new chapter. But what about what we’re leaving behind, and what about the stuff that lingered with us into 2016?

I love new beginnings, but it’s hard when it’s different from what I had pictured in the months leading to this new year. I experienced a breakup last year. It’s not my first, and I highly doubt it’ll be my last (I’m just being realistic). I pictured starting this new year with someone who will no longer be in my life, and that still stings a little.

I feel that it’s becoming less socially acceptable to openly talk about sadness, and things that we feel negatively about. Positivity pushers are always so quick to remind you that there is always a silver lining, and though I can be one of those people, I am also someone that says “yes, there is a silver lining, but let me experience this loss and grieve the end of my relationship in a way that is true to me.” New beginnings are beautiful, and should be celebrated, but I can’t put on a party hat and pretend this was a new beginning that I was thrilled to greet.

I wasn’t looking forward to this holiday, guys. I closed a chapter on something I felt hadn’t even gotten the chance to be truly great. In dating years, I feel like I’m 110 a lot of the time. I’m tired of dating, and I’m tired of it not working out. Having something that felt right and great, and then having it not work out had really put a damper on the end of my year. So, I felt really grumpy about New Years. I didn’t even celebrate it. I had no urge to celebrate this holiday that reminded me that I failed.

So, that’s what this post was going to be about. I was going to share my feelings, and leave it on a “sometimes, our emotional baggage lingers with us…and that’s okay” sort of note. And then I was watching parks and rec, and Ron Swanson just got done telling Tom that “ when you fail at something after you’ve given it your best shot, how is that really a failure? ..you still tried. That’s a win!” –it probably seems silly, but I think I really needed to hear that. Even coming from a fictional character in the magic box in my living room, it resonated really well with me..

And that’s how I’m viewing my lingering sad feelings in this New Year: they’re reminders that I tried.

Happy New Year, new friends and old. I hope your 2015 was amazing, and I hope 2016 brings you an immeasurable amount of happy moments.

To Be Continued,
B&B

Love?

I’m 25, and I’m still not entirely sure what love is. So far, I know he’s someone I adore fiercely, but also someone who frustrates me …but I still don’t really know how to pinpoint when it happens, or if it’s just a connection? Whatever that means.

To be honest, I still don’t know how to label the example I’m about to give. I don’t know if it was a “connection”, or what the hell it was. I only know that I felt so at home with this guy, and that I’ve never felt that way before with someone. During the entirety of our first date, I felt like I had been waiting to feel surrounded by this calm, comforting guy for the longest time.

I must also say, this isn’t something that happens to me often. 

He was different..he was such a beautiful man. Yes, he was attractive- but something else about him just made him so much more beautiful to me. I was determined to turn him into my best friend, or pretty much anything that kept him close for as long as possible. I still maintain the belief that I’ve never encountered that feeling with another person. Every time we spent time together or talked, I felt that same way I did on our first date. It didn’t dull, it only grew. I don’t know how to better describe it: he was absolutely beautiful to me, and that’s all I know. 

The relationship didn’t last, but I remember how he made me feel… it was a little magical. And that’s something I get to keep with me. 

To Be Continued,

B&B