Reason 387 Why I Suck At Being A Millennial

 

I will never be a “chill chick” or good at being a millennial in the dating world. I don’t like unspoken understandings, and pretending I’m “cool” with never being clear on where things are headed.

A while back I realized that I was constantly settling for unspoken sentiments and understandings in my romantic life -which happens to be a huge fucking trend among millennials. I was dating someone who I felt was constantly letting me down, and they never actually apologized for their fuck-ups. I just got gifts and an abundance of attention for, what felt like, five minutes… and then everything resumed to it’s regularly scheduled awkward avoidance. I had settled for them so much so, that I realized we never really defined our relationship or where it was going…because awkward conversations were avoided at all costs. We had such a flimsy foundation in our relationship that the only way any obstacle was ever addressed was through bouts of ignoring followed by petty arguing… so mind-games.

I never thought I would be someone who would contribute to such a rotten aspect of the dating world, but I was! I played mind-games and I was good at it… gross!

That’s what I had resorted to in this relationship, because I was terrified of asking for clarification and demanding more out of a partner. I genuinely think a lot of game playing boils down to how unwilling we ALL are to be vulnerable and to be honest about our intentions and feelings. With this lack of communication comes so much insecurity that usually leads to settling for unspoken sentiments and understandings.

Now, I’m not talking about the occasional unspoken sentiments that will occur among loved ones. I’m talking the situations that we find ourselves in when we haven’t defined our relationships, because no one likes to have difficult conversations anymore. I’m talking the unspoken fights and makeups we have, because no one likes voicing that their feelings are hurt or they feel undervalued in their relationship.

Unfortunately, this whole “unspoken understanding” concept is one that has reappeared throughout my dating life a lot. It had been a very annoying trend for me, because much like many other women in our society, I’m terrified of sounding assumptive and demanding and contributing towards all of those “crazy chick” stereotypes. But honestly, fuck stereotypes. I don’t really care if I’m associated with that rude label anymore, because I’d rather be myself than pretending I’m comfortable in a situation I really can’t stand.

To break the cycle, I decided a while back to stop giving credit to people who haven’t earned it. I no longer settle for the unspoken sentiment or understanding. I refuse to accept situations that go undefined. They make me wildly uncomfortable. I love labels (and label makers, FYI), so I need clarification in my relationships. I will NOT commit myself to someone who hasn’t been forward and open about being committed to me. I can’t stand the situationships where it’s not discussed whether we’re exclusive and heading in a “together” direction. Assuming we’re on the same page as someone else who has their own unique mind and set of beliefs is absolute insanity, in my opinion.

This is all just one more example of how “unchill” and horrible at being a millennial I am.

*sigh*

To be continued,

B&B

PrayingMayBeWhatWeNeed

Guys, can we all just discuss Kesha’s song “Praying” ?? Holy shit.

I’ve been listening to it on repeat all day.

This song is so relatable in so many different way. If you’ve ever been hurt and felt so undervalued in a situation that it left you actually believing your worth was lost… then this is such a powerful song to listen to. It’s also incredibly relatable to our society right now.

I was talking with one of my very best friends, and we were both crying over how amazing this song is and how wonderful it is to create something so beautiful whilst emerging from such a hurt and sad place. We were exchanging how we related to this song. I was sharing about how I was sexually assaulted as a young adult and sometimes I wonder if there’s something fucked up about me not only forgiving him, but hoping that he’s changed and has found whatever he was lacking that led him to think it was okay to force himself onto a sleeping girl. I gave myself permission a long time ago to let go of the negativity. That’s his to bare. I didn’t have a choice in his actions, so I refused to live with his baggage. And my bestie shared about how he found it relatable post-breakup, and how we always hope someone understands how much they’ve wounded us, and work that out on their own. Their baggage, not ours. May they face it.

Life is beautiful but it’s also real fucking hard. We’re all a little broken by our path but it’s the piecing back together that creates the beauty in our present. It’s an amazing gift to be able to connect with others on something that rings so achingly relevant to us.

I can’t leave out how the visuals for the video are amazing, and shed a lot of light on those societal aspects that make this song so relatable. The standard of beauty is something I talk a lot about, because it’s fucking outrageous and I think we owe it to ourselves to squash it like she does the TV. The list just goes on and on, because this video really is fantastic. The TV with “Dems are evil” -good lord, if I had a fucking dollar for every time some conservative made me sound like I was “too much” or a weirdo hippy when I was talking about equality means EQUAL fucking treatment for ERRRRRBODY. *covers face in disappointment* I had educated, conservative men ask me (on International Women’s Day) if I actually believe women are undervalued in this society……………………………………. I was at work, so I couldn’t say “OPEN YOUR FUCKING EYES AND EARS.”  I mean, I was calm and gave a semi-chill  “hell yes” type answer, but shouting would’ve felt better in that moment.

Thank you, Kesha, for giving us so many important feels. It couldn’t have come at a better time. This song is life-changing, creative, and just fucking brilliant. Congratulations.

 

xx,

B&B

Women Supporting Women

fem rants 

“There is a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.”
 –Madeleine Albright, former United States Ambassador to the United  Nations

 

It’s International Women’s Day, and guess what?? Feminist rants really are my jam! Here’s one of my favorites: the importance of supporting your fellow female badass……


Is there anything more special than having female friends?

I’ve noticed over the years that it appears to be a really trendy thing to label oneself as a “guy’s girl”, or the type of girl who “has more guy friends than girl friends”, because “women attract drama.”  Now, there’s obviously nothing wrong with having an abundance of male friends; I have plenty of guy friends. I’m talking about the women who avoid making friends with women-This has never been true for me. I was raised only by women, and I have been for women and all about women supporting women since before I understood the obstacles that a woman faces throughout her life. I can tell you from a lifetime of fembot training, WOMEN ARE BADASSES. We really are. YOU are a goddess, and so is the girl in the cube next to you. Carry yourself, and your bonds in a manner that pays tribute to that. Support other women; we all need it. No one understands us better than our gender does.

There’s a really special bond between female friends. Whether that bond be because we know what it’s like to have our baby box try to ruin us from the inside every month, or if it’s because we understand what it’s like to be judged the way we are by our appearance (tattooed, pierced, hair colored), by our having (or not having) children, by our choice in clothing, by our lifestyle choices, etc. Women understand women. Men have struggles, too. I’m not invalidating that, but they don’t struggle in the same manner in which a woman will throughout her lifetime.

Why is it important to support your fellow lady?

Women helping other women is the right thing to do. While not the only factor, it is most definitely one of the major arteries on the road to success. After all, what are we all doing here if not to help one another? The old stereotypes about women are tired and frankly, boring. Life is hard. Work is hard. Let’s cut one another a break and give the overly competitive, passive/aggressive and martyr behaviors a permanent rest. It’s time.” *Retrieved from 10 Reasons Why Women Should Support Women


This blogger hit the nail right on the head -what are we doing here if it isn’t to help one another achieve our maximum potential!?  Cutting one another down doesn’t do either party any good. No woman benefits from treating other women as if they aren’t worth our energy. In the work place, it’s tougher to gain respect as a woman than it is a man (this is widely known) -help a sister out! Don’t use the age-old excuse of “I had to fight to get where I am; she should, too!” False. She shouldn’t. If someone before you had done her part, your path wouldn’t have been riddled with difficulty. Do.Your.Part

ovaries

Author of “The Woman Code”, Sophia Nelson has a twenty tips to her fellow woman on how to navigate the waters of empowering your fellow sister. Here are a few that I found helpful from an article I discovered about female empowerment along with my personal thoughts:

  1. Steer Clear of women who “don’t do female friends”
    I swear I just said this. Oh, wait.. it’s because I did. This is a complete bullshit trend. I choose to believe the women who choose this path, choose it out of the ignorance of not having had fruitful female bonds in the past. It’s good to steer clear without judging her for her choices. Never put her down, but remember that you are the company you keep, ladies. If she’s someone who doesn’t “do girlfriends”, then she probably doesn’t have similar priorities or social tendencies as you and you can respectfully side-step and find a new friend elsewhere. Her interests don’t align with yours, and it’s difficult to maintain friendships when someone doesn’t support your beliefs.
  2. Collaborate and Share
    This is a lot similar to the excerpt from the blog that I inserted above. Her angle is to come together to achieve greatness, instead of competing the way society wants us to. Tell your girls the stuff they need to hear: you ARE beautiful, you ARE worth it, you CAN do this, etc. This concept can be as drastic as major life decisions, to the smallest decisions -no one buys $300 shoes without asking her best girl if she really needs them (which is likely a “fuck-no”. Homie, no one actually needs $300 shoes. Get a budget app, and then come back to me on whether or not you can afford those heals.)
  3. Be A Mentor
    This is one of those situations where you see someone struggling with something you (or someone close to you) has struggled with. Talk about it. Share your experience. Assist them in tackling this obstacle. Everyone needs a mentor-especially women.
  4. Pay-it-forward
    When you had someone help you through something, pay it forward. Help them in return. Even if all you give them in return is emotional support, it’s appreciated!
  5. Never Be Afraid to Have Courageous Conversations
    Being a woman is tough. A reported 1 in 5 is sexually assaulted throughout her lifetime. Oh, but to make that number even more saddening, assault in the home (where it occurs most) is HIGHLY under reported. Wouldn’t it be great if this 20% of women spoke to other women about their experiences,  in an effort to combat this heart breaking problem as well as starting the healing process for these other women. BE COURAGEOUS. Talk about stuff that’s uncomfortable. You never know who needs to hear your story, to gain the courage to share theirs.

In order to give this topic the respect it deserves, I’d have to start an entirely new blog dedicated to it …I promise I will, someday. Women are badasses, but we need to support each other in order to truly thrive as a gender at this point in time. Gender equality isn’t where it should be yet: we still have work to do. So be courageous and have those uncomfortable talks with others; be a mentor; help someone at work that you see a little of yourself in; pay-it-forward; stay away from men and women who don’t support your beliefs; collaborate and share- I’m here, supporting you, and telling you -you ARE great in all that you tackle in life. Be brilliant, and be advocates for one another.

 To Be Continued,

B&B

 

 

 

 

Unsent Messages

To the man who describes himself as a broken-hearted hero, 

I thought love was jealous, fragile, and painful. I thought everyone who loved deeply, did so complicatedly. 

Since you, I’ve discovered love through the purest of sources: friendship and kindness. 

The kind of love that makes me feel seen. The kind of love that makes me feel heard. 

It’s that kind of familial love I didn’t realize I already knew, and had no idea I would someday gain even more of. 

Because of what I’ve learned since you, I was ready for him. To see him. To hear him. To love him. 

I’m thankful for where my path has brought me. I hope you can say the same. 

Sincerely, 

The confident queen who walked away

Love letters from a fembot

You took my compliment as an insult, and for that I must explain: when I say I love you the way I love women, it’s the highest compliment I can offer.

I know these women.
I know their hearts.
I trust their intentions.
I trust their judgement.

Telling you I love you the way I love my women, it says

I know you.
I know your heart.
I trust your intentions.
I trust your judgement.

The men in my life come and go. Though I hold their friendships dear to my heart, the ties always tend to fade.

The women, they’re for life.

Pick any one of them, and I can honestly say there will never be another her.

Just as there will now never be another you.

I tell you I love you the way I love my women, because it’s honest and because it’s true.

Representing the reality

I haven’t written in a while, as I’ve been busy moving all over the place and starting a new job. Also, I found myself in a funk recently, as I tend to do when my life gets overwhelming and I see areas that I should be doing better in. I’ve been trying to stay away from comparing myself to others for as long as I could remember, but it didn’t dawn on me until recently that I compare myself to an inaccurate memory of my own past performance. Funks are hard to get out of… but I’m finally to a point where I feel positive, and like my normal self.

What helped me address my funk was realizing that the reality of myself and my past was not well represented. This is the time of Instagram… we take 40 photos of ourselves in a given situation, choose the most flattering one, post it, and delete the 39 undesirables. How the hell is anyone supposed to maintain a positive self-concept if we don’t accurately represent ourselves? This isn’t to suggest that my entire self-esteem revolves around how I look, but when I’m already feeling like I’m under-performing my past…old Instagram photos sure aren’t doing me any favors.

The same could be said about our society… we have models that don’t represent a true sample of the population, our entertainers are paid to look their absolute best and shamed when they don’t………which just leads to more and more of us “regulars” feelings like the unperformed. Of late, I’d been really harsh on myself for gaining 8 lbs in the last year, and not keeping up with my good habits. I would send myself into shame spirals just by looking at old Instagram photos, and thinking “I had it together back then…what the fuck happened this year?”  Well, what happened is that I’m human, and sometimes humans fluctuate in weight, and go through life ruts. What matters to me is being healthy, and feeling good about myself and the cosmos. The rest will sort itself out.

I saw something recently that said “love yourself in the same way you so freely love others,” and I was like “holy fuck, I would never shame someone for going through a rut or for feeling like they’ve been under-performing their past. I’d fucking lift them up and make them feel supported and smothered by my love!” -So, why the hell shouldn’t I do that for myself? …I should. YOU SHOULD. We ALL should.

I turned 25 this year, and even though I do practice quite a bit of self love….it’s good to be reminded that I’m not done learning how to love and accept myself as I am: human. Maybe I’ll look at those 39 “undesirables” with more love next time, and definitely not delete every single one of them, because I’ve learned (time after time) that that does more harm than good. And maybe I’ll work on smothering my own self with love, by lifting myself up the way I would my loved ones.

26 is going to be a good year for me, and I’m looking forward to taking this lesson into the new year with me.

P.S. Guys, today is our one year anniversary and we hit 11k followers this month….that’s fucking outrageous. I could never imagine that I would have fallen head over heals with a project in the way that I did when I created this with the help of my “team” (aka besties). Holy shit. Instagram is the bulk of what brings traffic onto this site, so if you want (sometimes) hourly updates on where I’m at with life be sure to follow us on IG @BasicAndBipolar.

Thank you for all the IG, FB, and WP love!! I can’t even begin to express my gratitude over having so many genuine people follow along. We’re all so lucky to share our stories and path with all of you.

xx

To Be Continued,

B&B

SoHotHeWontNoticeMyCrazy

Am I right!?!

How many of us have thought “I just need to lose____lbs”, “I just need to be in better shape”, or “I just need my long luscious locks back”….”and that’ll show him! I’ll be too hot for HIM!” 

I’m guilty of this, and I know many others are too. Let’s work on this, guys and gals. Let’s collectively work on valuing our journey enough to not invalidate our present. You are who you are right now. Nothing superficial has changed who you are underneath all the bullshit. 

So what if I’ve been in better shape and my hair is in a weird transition phase -I’m the same catch I was last year and the year before. I’m still the same sassy mouthed, moody queen who loves fiercely. Chances are, whoever I’d want to “teach a lesson”…things were not that great anyway. Superficial relationships never are.

It’s great to joke about the quirky things we all do (and I genuinely am someone who has thought the above…in the last month!). But I think the most dangerous thing about having this mentality is that we constantly say to ourselves “you’re not good enough…yet!” So, we’re not only putting ourselves down, but we’re seeking out this fictional version of ourselves that we’ll finally be happy with. We’ll feel better about where we’re at in life when they’re pining after us.

 This is a sort of fucked up concept, guys. One that extends beyond the romantic. I’ve got a yogi bestie who thinks she’ll get more people in her classes if she looks better in her Instagram photos. What does her leg cellulite have to do with her ability to teach yoga? Not a fucking thing. What does my weird hair phase have to do with my ability to love? Not a fucking thing.

 Let’s all do better, ladies and gents. Remind yourselves and your friends that we are all perfectly fine in the present. Own your path. We may be flawed, but we’re constantly redefining our perfectly flawed mold. 

We need the support of the collective to break this bad habit. 

To be continued, 

B&B 

Grace I

It’s funny how my memories of you can spill onto a piece of paper in a series of letters; foreign to the unlearned, yet just as beautiful.

But I scrawl them out on whatever sits in front of me, as if hesitating for one more second would erase you from my mind.
The shape of your bones drip with blue ink on a crumpled up newspaper that I’ve been meaning to throw away for weeks.

The curve of your smile and the softness in your eyes engraved in the floor at the bottom of the staircase after I lost the strength to climb them. Or maybe I lost the will to climb to an empty room.

I can see the curls of your hair dancing off your shoulders as you tiptoe across the room staining the couch with your favorite color of nail polish.

Your pale white skin and the constellations of freckles on your stomach defaces every mirror I’ve looked into because I’d rather see that than see the hallow eyes and sunken cheeks pretending to be me.

And there, chiseled into the mantle where the dust surrounded old picture frames, is the makeshift novel of how your sharp breaths pierce my ear when I plant my lips on your collar bone.

I can see your nimble hands unperched from your hips as they reach out for mine scribbled across the doorway from the day I thought I could leave, but just kept waiting for you to follow.

It’s funny how all of these memories of you can spill out and be just as beautiful.

File This Under Things Not Worth Our Time

Guys, I really don’t give a fuck about a divorcing couple I’ve never met. We all have issues we’re passionate about, let’s focus on those. Let’s focus on what’s going on around us & in the world…not what’s going on in the bedrooms of Hollywood’s finest. 🙏❤️🌍 #TooManyBrangelinaMemesAndHeadlines #SoapboxMomentOver

I Repeat, I Am NOT Chill 

I’m not cool or “chill”. It’s just a simple fact about me.

Quick story:

After an embarrassing amount of failed attempts at getting movies back from the flakiest fuckboy I’ve ever encountered, he felt the need to tell me “Chill, girl. You’re really cool, but damn.. sometimes, you’re too much.” And that’s obviously when I acted like a complete mature, composed adult and told him to go fuck himself if he couldn’t manage to return my stuff like a proper fucking adult would….Did I say mature/composed? I meant, a complete mad woman who would have throat punched him if he had told me to “chill” in person.

I am not a low-key, chill chick (whatever the fuck ‘cool’ or ‘chill’ even mean in that context). I don’t even mildly exude that. I’m high energy, and a relatively demanding person that is definitely too much for some people. *My best friend likes to compare me to a puppy, because I’m both playful and will whine relentlessly until my loved ones surrender to my whims*

Are these qualities everyone loves? Definitely not. Do I pretend to be anything but a neurotic goofball? Goodness no. If I’m “too much” it means that I’m not for you, so get to stepping. I’m fine with who I am.

Also, ladies…how many of us love being told to “chill” or “relax”?? Sigh. They never learn.

I’m so not cool, guys. I like getting my stuff back after I stop seeing someone -it only seems fair. I also really like adult conversations that don’t lead to “show me your tits”, relationships that involve labels, and I LOVE having specific plans to which the other adult shows up on time (8 pm does NOT mean 9:30pm).

To any future flakey fuckboys to cross my path, I’m not chill…I will NEVER be chill. Stop requesting it of me.

To Be Continued,

B&B