Women Supporting Women

fem rants 

“There is a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.”
 –Madeleine Albright, former United States Ambassador to the United  Nations

 

It’s International Women’s Day, and guess what?? Feminist rants really are my jam! Here’s one of my favorites: the importance of supporting your fellow female badass……


Is there anything more special than having female friends?

I’ve noticed over the years that it appears to be a really trendy thing to label oneself as a “guy’s girl”, or the type of girl who “has more guy friends than girl friends”, because “women attract drama.”  Now, there’s obviously nothing wrong with having an abundance of male friends; I have plenty of guy friends. I’m talking about the women who avoid making friends with women-This has never been true for me. I was raised only by women, and I have been for women and all about women supporting women since before I understood the obstacles that a woman faces throughout her life. I can tell you from a lifetime of fembot training, WOMEN ARE BADASSES. We really are. YOU are a goddess, and so is the girl in the cube next to you. Carry yourself, and your bonds in a manner that pays tribute to that. Support other women; we all need it. No one understands us better than our gender does.

There’s a really special bond between female friends. Whether that bond be because we know what it’s like to have our baby box try to ruin us from the inside every month, or if it’s because we understand what it’s like to be judged the way we are by our appearance (tattooed, pierced, hair colored), by our having (or not having) children, by our choice in clothing, by our lifestyle choices, etc. Women understand women. Men have struggles, too. I’m not invalidating that, but they don’t struggle in the same manner in which a woman will throughout her lifetime.

Why is it important to support your fellow lady?

Women helping other women is the right thing to do. While not the only factor, it is most definitely one of the major arteries on the road to success. After all, what are we all doing here if not to help one another? The old stereotypes about women are tired and frankly, boring. Life is hard. Work is hard. Let’s cut one another a break and give the overly competitive, passive/aggressive and martyr behaviors a permanent rest. It’s time.” *Retrieved from 10 Reasons Why Women Should Support Women


This blogger hit the nail right on the head -what are we doing here if it isn’t to help one another achieve our maximum potential!?  Cutting one another down doesn’t do either party any good. No woman benefits from treating other women as if they aren’t worth our energy. In the work place, it’s tougher to gain respect as a woman than it is a man (this is widely known) -help a sister out! Don’t use the age-old excuse of “I had to fight to get where I am; she should, too!” False. She shouldn’t. If someone before you had done her part, your path wouldn’t have been riddled with difficulty. Do.Your.Part

ovaries

Author of “The Woman Code”, Sophia Nelson has a twenty tips to her fellow woman on how to navigate the waters of empowering your fellow sister. Here are a few that I found helpful from an article I discovered about female empowerment along with my personal thoughts:

  1. Steer Clear of women who “don’t do female friends”
    I swear I just said this. Oh, wait.. it’s because I did. This is a complete bullshit trend. I choose to believe the women who choose this path, choose it out of the ignorance of not having had fruitful female bonds in the past. It’s good to steer clear without judging her for her choices. Never put her down, but remember that you are the company you keep, ladies. If she’s someone who doesn’t “do girlfriends”, then she probably doesn’t have similar priorities or social tendencies as you and you can respectfully side-step and find a new friend elsewhere. Her interests don’t align with yours, and it’s difficult to maintain friendships when someone doesn’t support your beliefs.
  2. Collaborate and Share
    This is a lot similar to the excerpt from the blog that I inserted above. Her angle is to come together to achieve greatness, instead of competing the way society wants us to. Tell your girls the stuff they need to hear: you ARE beautiful, you ARE worth it, you CAN do this, etc. This concept can be as drastic as major life decisions, to the smallest decisions -no one buys $300 shoes without asking her best girl if she really needs them (which is likely a “fuck-no”. Homie, no one actually needs $300 shoes. Get a budget app, and then come back to me on whether or not you can afford those heals.)
  3. Be A Mentor
    This is one of those situations where you see someone struggling with something you (or someone close to you) has struggled with. Talk about it. Share your experience. Assist them in tackling this obstacle. Everyone needs a mentor-especially women.
  4. Pay-it-forward
    When you had someone help you through something, pay it forward. Help them in return. Even if all you give them in return is emotional support, it’s appreciated!
  5. Never Be Afraid to Have Courageous Conversations
    Being a woman is tough. A reported 1 in 5 is sexually assaulted throughout her lifetime. Oh, but to make that number even more saddening, assault in the home (where it occurs most) is HIGHLY under reported. Wouldn’t it be great if this 20% of women spoke to other women about their experiences,  in an effort to combat this heart breaking problem as well as starting the healing process for these other women. BE COURAGEOUS. Talk about stuff that’s uncomfortable. You never know who needs to hear your story, to gain the courage to share theirs.

In order to give this topic the respect it deserves, I’d have to start an entirely new blog dedicated to it …I promise I will, someday. Women are badasses, but we need to support each other in order to truly thrive as a gender at this point in time. Gender equality isn’t where it should be yet: we still have work to do. So be courageous and have those uncomfortable talks with others; be a mentor; help someone at work that you see a little of yourself in; pay-it-forward; stay away from men and women who don’t support your beliefs; collaborate and share- I’m here, supporting you, and telling you -you ARE great in all that you tackle in life. Be brilliant, and be advocates for one another.

 To Be Continued,

B&B

 

 

 

 

NoChillChicksHere

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I am the furthest thing from being a “cool chick”.

This is my dating reality: 

I have no idea how to navigate the dating world. I know what type of relationship I want, but I have no idea how to weed through contenders. You’d think I’d have better asshole radar after a decade of dating, but I don’t. And I want to stab myself in the eye every time I hear the phrase “I’m just looking for a chill chick to, you know, hang with.”

Let’s discuss the phenomenon that is “the cool chick”

This concept is one that is pushed on women a lot. I absolutely hate the concept of her. She’s not real: she’s a sexist concept that was probably created by beer commercials.  From what I gather, a “cool” or “chill” chick is the following: unbothered by flakey-ness, DTF always, never gets too emotional, never gets jealous, loves “dude” activities (whatever that means), doesn’t need relationship labels, she’s adventurous, fearless, and is basically a guy with tits.

I have a few ladies in my coven that would fit the majority of those characteristics…but never too emotional? Always unbothered by flakey-ness? …that’s where I, and most women get lost: flakey-ness should never be tolerated, and being emotional is not a negative behavior. We should celebrate uniqueness from one another, and our emotions are one of those unique things we should not be ashamed to celebrate.

If someone stands me up or flakes on me multiple times, I will probably rid my life of that person (romantic or not). I don’t always like “dude” activities -I hate video games (if that’s a dude activity), and I only have sports knowledge when it’s relevant to me. I like labels (and label makers!), as I find that they assist in providing comfort in budding relationships. I am pretty adventurous, but I’m not even mildly fearless…. as I am afraid of almost everything. I am extremely emotional, and I have no shame in letting it be known that I basically have multiple personalities.

Yeah, I’m definitely not an ideal “cool chick”, and dating in my mid-twenties has been a total grab bag of mixed results. Unrealistic expectations make dating even harder. Women are not two-dimensional creatures. You can’t get the woman that loves sports, AND likes to keep things casual for THREE years. That’s not a thing, guys. We have complex personalities. We aren’t…men. I will probably always be adventurous, but also extremely neurotic and love labels (of all kinds).

Basically, dating in my twenties is the worst. And down with this “chill chick” concept!

To Be Continued,

B&B 

A Continuation of Crazy Exes

Exes: having one and being one.


Being an ex is weird, and having one may be even weirder.

You get used to a role, and then you’re suddenly dethroned and everything that had happened between you and your partner is not only in the past, but will likely be discussed with his/her future mate. And depending on how poorly it ended, it could end up being discussed as  entertainment in a bar amongst friends and strangers. I had posted earlier about how much I dislike “crazy ex” stories. They seldom portray accuracy, and more often than not, you never find out what lead to this “crazy behavior”.

I had a few different stories messaged and commented onto my Basic&Bipolar Facebook page, and there was a common theme: bad patterns that lead to hurt feelings. I was going to possibly share a few stories that were sent to me, and even one of my own, but I decided against it because I think those stories have probably already been given enough attention by the people who constructed them.

When I hear the phrase “got rid of that crazy bitch”, so much of it saddens me. Partly because she’s a person with feelings, and partly because he’s obviously so ignorant that he has no idea how powerful a phrase like that can be when it’s uttered by someone this person used to love (or may still have lingering feelings for).

I had an ex spin a tale about me, one that (if his audience didn’t know me well) would really question my character as a person. It hurt me deeply when I heard what he had said. Someone I loved had portrayed me as a monster, for the sheer fact that he wasn’t willing to take any responsibility for his role in the demise of our prolonged and messy relationship.

I never understood the need to fabricate stories about exes. I’ve heard blatant lies about myself that were created by my ex, and I thought it was so strange. I am a moody lunatic, and if I have my period, look out world! None of what he said had anything to do with my actual personality or the reality of our breakup. Unfortunately, it did make me wonder if maybe he would have treated me better afterwards had I been less emotional in the end.

It took me a long time to date after hearing such awful things about myself. Why be part of a private relationship if our story will be mutated and rewritten to suit some jerk’s agenda?

I eventually got over it, and did date again. I still think that particular guy can rot, but after the self-doubt passed, I realized he was talking about a fictional person. I am more than the story he depicted. I’m sure some people bought into what he was selling, but I found a certain comfort in him having to lie to make his treatment towards me seem just. It reassured me that the best thing I can do for myself as a person is live my life authentically and to never alter my behavior to suit someone else’s agenda.

I will always be a moody girl who is so agreeable and cool one day, and unapologetically difficult the next. I never depict myself as anything short of that.

Back to you, whoever you may be:  if you are a crazy ex or have one, remember that no one’s words can define you but your own. You’re the only author of YOUR story, so  depict your reality the truest way you can, by being yourself regardless of what anyone says about you. You can never be certain that someone won’t turn out to be a jerk after the relationship is over, so take the high road and make sure you’re not contributing to the gross trend that is “crazy ex story-telling”. Respect your past loves. Respect the time you shared together. And when you do eventually hear these stories, take a second to ask that individual what role they played in the end of that relationship. I can guarantee you’ll get an over-reactive “NOTHING! she’s just that crazy!”, or an awkward pause of silence.

Chin up, my fellow warriors: dating is fucking brutal.

To Be Continued,

B&B

Crazy exes

A girlfriend of mine was just telling me about a “crazy ex girlfriend” story she had heard this weekend, and how grossed out she felt about this girl’s ex telling this story to a complete stranger. That poor woman. Wherever she is. Whoever she is.

How unfair that people seldom share their role in a messy breakup. Share your stories! Message me or comment on the page-I want to hear about you being depicted as the “big bad”, or someone you know being unfairly portrayed after a breakup.

Post eleven will include my feelings on situations like this, and my personal experience with this topic.

To Be Continued,

B&B

New Year, Same Me

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Happy New Year, new friends and old. Cheers to always being the same asshole at 12:01 on January 1st every damn year!

Today I thought I’d take some time to talk about new beginnings:

It’s a new year! This is when we set our intentions for the year, list our goals that we want to achieve over the next 365 days, and really allow ourselves to enjoy that we get to start a brand new chapter. But what about what we’re leaving behind, and what about the stuff that lingered with us into 2016?

I love new beginnings, but it’s hard when it’s different from what I had pictured in the months leading to this new year. I experienced a breakup last year. It’s not my first, and I highly doubt it’ll be my last (I’m just being realistic). I pictured starting this new year with someone who will no longer be in my life, and that still stings a little.

I feel that it’s becoming less socially acceptable to openly talk about sadness, and things that we feel negatively about. Positivity pushers are always so quick to remind you that there is always a silver lining, and though I can be one of those people, I am also someone that says “yes, there is a silver lining, but let me experience this loss and grieve the end of my relationship in a way that is true to me.” New beginnings are beautiful, and should be celebrated, but I can’t put on a party hat and pretend this was a new beginning that I was thrilled to greet.

I wasn’t looking forward to this holiday, guys. I closed a chapter on something I felt hadn’t even gotten the chance to be truly great. In dating years, I feel like I’m 110 a lot of the time. I’m tired of dating, and I’m tired of it not working out. Having something that felt right and great, and then having it not work out had really put a damper on the end of my year. So, I felt really grumpy about New Years. I didn’t even celebrate it. I had no urge to celebrate this holiday that reminded me that I failed.

So, that’s what this post was going to be about. I was going to share my feelings, and leave it on a “sometimes, our emotional baggage lingers with us…and that’s okay” sort of note. And then I was watching parks and rec, and Ron Swanson just got done telling Tom that “ when you fail at something after you’ve given it your best shot, how is that really a failure? ..you still tried. That’s a win!” –it probably seems silly, but I think I really needed to hear that. Even coming from a fictional character in the magic box in my living room, it resonated really well with me..

And that’s how I’m viewing my lingering sad feelings in this New Year: they’re reminders that I tried.

Happy New Year, new friends and old. I hope your 2015 was amazing, and I hope 2016 brings you an immeasurable amount of happy moments.

To Be Continued,
B&B

Love?

I’m 25, and I’m still not entirely sure what love is. So far, I know he’s someone I adore fiercely, but also someone who frustrates me …but I still don’t really know how to pinpoint when it happens, or if it’s just a connection? Whatever that means.

To be honest, I still don’t know how to label the example I’m about to give. I don’t know if it was a “connection”, or what the hell it was. I only know that I felt so at home with this guy, and that I’ve never felt that way before with someone. During the entirety of our first date, I felt like I had been waiting to feel surrounded by this calm, comforting guy for the longest time.

I must also say, this isn’t something that happens to me often. 

He was different..he was such a beautiful man. Yes, he was attractive- but something else about him just made him so much more beautiful to me. I was determined to turn him into my best friend, or pretty much anything that kept him close for as long as possible. I still maintain the belief that I’ve never encountered that feeling with another person. Every time we spent time together or talked, I felt that same way I did on our first date. It didn’t dull, it only grew. I don’t know how to better describe it: he was absolutely beautiful to me, and that’s all I know. 

The relationship didn’t last, but I remember how he made me feel… it was a little magical. And that’s something I get to keep with me. 

To Be Continued,

B&B

 

Holidays&Hookups

Before I begin with my “New Year” post, I’d like to take a moment to address a discussion topic suggestion I received on the Basic&Bipolar Facebook page. Here we go: “Holidays and Hookups: at what point do you get your sex buddy a Christmas gift?”

Well, Holidays and Hookups, it really depends on your dynamic with this person. Do you have that type of relationship?

This is a really lame comparison, but it’s the last time I was in a mildly similar position. Once, I had sent a Christmas card to a guy I was talking to for a few months, and he never even acknowledged that he received it. I eventually asked if it had made it to him yet, and he responded with “I got it.” –and that was it. I wanted to respond with “Hey, you’re welcome, yah fuck. Thanks for wishing me a Merry Christmas in return!” …actually I kind of did. You know me, good ol’ mood swings for days.

Anyway, we were in that type of dynamic that it didn’t feel weird for me to send him something. We were friends in addition to being “friendly”. I think giving gifts to people you know REALLY well is easy, because you know how they’ll react, and they know what your intentions were with giving. When it’s someone you don’t know as well, and you don’t know how they show appreciation, or whatever… giving gifts can be really awkward. Mine was just a card, and even though time has passed and I don’t speak to that guy anymore, I still feel kind of like a jackass for sending it to someone who appears to have viewed it as bothersome or unwanted.

Giving gifts can be sort of personal.  It’s usually something I only do for loved ones. When someone has the perception that you view them as a loved one, it has the potential to make things progress into a more committed relationship OR make things kind of awkward. You could do a dirty Christmas exchange in an effort to keep it friendly and playful –the gift must be wearable and edible at the same time!

 

Okay, NYE post:
As the year of 2015 is wrapping up, it might be neat for us all to reflect on our year. What better way to appreciate a new beginning, than to reflect on the past year, as we take a step into our shared new year. I’ve compiled a short list to guide you through your reflections and mine.

 

What was your fondest memory of 2015?
One of my fondest memories was nothing extraordinary, but it was everything all at the same time. It was a moment where someone shared how one of my friends describes me to their loved ones, and it was filled with so much love. It was a gift to see how highly this person thinks of me. This moment made me incredibly happy, and has stuck with me throughout the year. It’s really magical to see how your loved view you. I don’t think there’s anything I love more than the wonderful people in my life. I have so many fond memories with my family and friends, this just happened to be the first one that came to mind.

What is the best, and even most inspiring conversation you had in 2015?
I met a lovely middle aged man from India, who was talking to me about his perception of the way a soul can evolve through a person’s lifetime. He believed that through the course of our journey towards adulthood, many of us accumulate a lot of bad habits and baggage. As a result, some of us leave behind this negative fingerprint or cosmic (spiritual) scent. He believed that as we grow older and not only acknowledge that baggage but resolve it… that that baggage is still present, but slowly the positive or sweeter cosmic scent overpowers that initial negativity. He used the example of Jasmine. He said, no matter how thick the crap is, Jasmine will always grow through the cracks and eventually overpower it. –I had never heard anyone explain the human experience quite that way. Maybe it was the way he explained it, but it was such a beautiful and inspiring thing for me to hear. And we had had this conversation at a pivotal moment in my life. I had just experienced a loss, and I was struggling with it, emotionally. He was a beautiful man, and that was something I definitely needed to hear. I had a lot of crap in my life at that time, but that beautiful scent of jasmine was still capable of overpowering the negative in the overall experience of my life.

What did you accomplish this year that you’re proud of, that you may have struggled with in the past?
Starting this blog is something I’m pretty proud of. I’ve been doing this for under two weeks and I have 100 followers between WP and Facebook. And a lot of you are very responsive and interactive with the content. I love connecting with people, and talking about our similar and different philosophies. So, thank you, guys! I wanted to start something semi-anonymous, to reach out to more people and it has turned out to be pretty fruitful thus far!

What’s a habit or trend in your life that you’d like to leave in the past that will soon be 2015?
Being too critical of myself is something I’d like to leave in 2015. This is something that a lot of people do. I’d like to work on being as critical with myself as I would any other loved one in my life. I think it’s important to give ourselves a break here and there.

Do you have any challenges set for 2016?
I don’t believe in random resolutions. I believe in setting challenges, and making life-style changes. I set lifestyle goals for myself every 6 months, and I spend a decent amount of time planning these goals to the fullest extent. A few months ago, I wanted to work on better time management (I frequently ran out of hours in the day). This next month, my challenge will be to start krav maga. I love this method of self-defense, and I think it would be great for me to get into. Besides, who hates a chick that can kick some ass?? Not this girl!

2015 has been a beautiful year for me. Ive learned a lot, and I wouldn’t take back any part of my year. I got to spend an extended period of time in the beginning of the year with some of my favorite people; that was pretty magical and definitely made this year stand out for me.

Happy Holidays, you beautiful bunch!

To Be Continued,

B&B