ThisIsNotALoveLetter

I’ve been haunted by a ghost every night since you left. 

He shows up only when my thoughts have quieted. 

He looks like possibility, and sounds just like you.

You were rough around the edges, and especially dismissive. 

I found your polo shirts repetitive, and your “nice guy” facade hard to swallow.

You took up all of the space in the room with your obnoxious laugh.

Your obnoxious laugh… 

though only known to my ears for a brief stint, it’s taken-up permanent residence in my mind and haunts my moments of solitude. 

To drown it out, I think about how the sun touches down on the earth, kissing her daily

…and how warm that unfailing embrace must feel. 

I wonder if the plants miss the sun in the dark of winter as much as I miss your obnoxious laugh in the silence of night.

Reason 387 Why I Suck At Being A Millennial

 

I will never be a “chill chick” or good at being a millennial in the dating world. I don’t like unspoken understandings, and pretending I’m “cool” with never being clear on where things are headed.

A while back I realized that I was constantly settling for unspoken sentiments and understandings in my romantic life -which happens to be a huge fucking trend among millennials. I was dating someone who I felt was constantly letting me down, and they never actually apologized for their fuck-ups. I just got gifts and an abundance of attention for, what felt like, five minutes… and then everything resumed to it’s regularly scheduled awkward avoidance. I had settled for them so much so, that I realized we never really defined our relationship or where it was going…because awkward conversations were avoided at all costs. We had such a flimsy foundation in our relationship that the only way any obstacle was ever addressed was through bouts of ignoring followed by petty arguing… so mind-games.

I never thought I would be someone who would contribute to such a rotten aspect of the dating world, but I was! I played mind-games and I was good at it… gross!

That’s what I had resorted to in this relationship, because I was terrified of asking for clarification and demanding more out of a partner. I genuinely think a lot of game playing boils down to how unwilling we ALL are to be vulnerable and to be honest about our intentions and feelings. With this lack of communication comes so much insecurity that usually leads to settling for unspoken sentiments and understandings.

Now, I’m not talking about the occasional unspoken sentiments that will occur among loved ones. I’m talking the situations that we find ourselves in when we haven’t defined our relationships, because no one likes to have difficult conversations anymore. I’m talking the unspoken fights and makeups we have, because no one likes voicing that their feelings are hurt or they feel undervalued in their relationship.

Unfortunately, this whole “unspoken understanding” concept is one that has reappeared throughout my dating life a lot. It had been a very annoying trend for me, because much like many other women in our society, I’m terrified of sounding assumptive and demanding and contributing towards all of those “crazy chick” stereotypes. But honestly, fuck stereotypes. I don’t really care if I’m associated with that rude label anymore, because I’d rather be myself than pretending I’m comfortable in a situation I really can’t stand.

To break the cycle, I decided a while back to stop giving credit to people who haven’t earned it. I no longer settle for the unspoken sentiment or understanding. I refuse to accept situations that go undefined. They make me wildly uncomfortable. I love labels (and label makers, FYI), so I need clarification in my relationships. I will NOT commit myself to someone who hasn’t been forward and open about being committed to me. I can’t stand the situationships where it’s not discussed whether we’re exclusive and heading in a “together” direction. Assuming we’re on the same page as someone else who has their own unique mind and set of beliefs is absolute insanity, in my opinion.

This is all just one more example of how “unchill” and horrible at being a millennial I am.

*sigh*

To be continued,

B&B

PrayingMayBeWhatWeNeed

Guys, can we all just discuss Kesha’s song “Praying” ?? Holy shit.

I’ve been listening to it on repeat all day.

This song is so relatable in so many different way. If you’ve ever been hurt and felt so undervalued in a situation that it left you actually believing your worth was lost… then this is such a powerful song to listen to. It’s also incredibly relatable to our society right now.

I was talking with one of my very best friends, and we were both crying over how amazing this song is and how wonderful it is to create something so beautiful whilst emerging from such a hurt and sad place. We were exchanging how we related to this song. I was sharing about how I was sexually assaulted as a young adult and sometimes I wonder if there’s something fucked up about me not only forgiving him, but hoping that he’s changed and has found whatever he was lacking that led him to think it was okay to force himself onto a sleeping girl. I gave myself permission a long time ago to let go of the negativity. That’s his to bare. I didn’t have a choice in his actions, so I refused to live with his baggage. And my bestie shared about how he found it relatable post-breakup, and how we always hope someone understands how much they’ve wounded us, and work that out on their own. Their baggage, not ours. May they face it.

Life is beautiful but it’s also real fucking hard. We’re all a little broken by our path but it’s the piecing back together that creates the beauty in our present. It’s an amazing gift to be able to connect with others on something that rings so achingly relevant to us.

I can’t leave out how the visuals for the video are amazing, and shed a lot of light on those societal aspects that make this song so relatable. The standard of beauty is something I talk a lot about, because it’s fucking outrageous and I think we owe it to ourselves to squash it like she does the TV. The list just goes on and on, because this video really is fantastic. The TV with “Dems are evil” -good lord, if I had a fucking dollar for every time some conservative made me sound like I was “too much” or a weirdo hippy when I was talking about equality means EQUAL fucking treatment for ERRRRRBODY. *covers face in disappointment* I had educated, conservative men ask me (on International Women’s Day) if I actually believe women are undervalued in this society……………………………………. I was at work, so I couldn’t say “OPEN YOUR FUCKING EYES AND EARS.”  I mean, I was calm and gave a semi-chill  “hell yes” type answer, but shouting would’ve felt better in that moment.

Thank you, Kesha, for giving us so many important feels. It couldn’t have come at a better time. This song is life-changing, creative, and just fucking brilliant. Congratulations.

 

xx,

B&B

United Still Has My Business 

Hey world, I know we all get upset when we see someone being mistreated so blatantly, but before you decide to sell your stocks and write-off United for ever, let’s consider for a second that this man was completely ignoring an officer who was telling him to get off the plane. 

If we know anything about TSA in the US, it’s that they don’t fucking mess after 9/11. 

Sorry, ya’ll…I didn’t fact-check this blog post that I’m about to share, out of lack of time… but I’m relieved to read a new POV. Honestly, I’m sick of everyone talking about this. No one should ever be treated that way, but also.. if an officer tells you to get off the plane, get off the plane and don’t act like a toddler who refuses to comply. In no way did his behavior warrant their mistreatment, but their mistreatment doesn’t negate that he’s an adult of sound mind and should have taken his happy ass off that plane of his own accord. I know all commercial airlines can bump people, and I don’t hold all of United responsible for what happened. I hold the people involved responsible for the mistreatment and the poor behavior. United still has my business. 
Check out what the Pilot Wife has to say about all of this uproar.
B&B

LetEveryDayBeWomensDay

Happy International Women’s Day to all my babes and babies who identify as women!

You are thought of, you are considered, and you are loved every damn day.

Today I reflect on the beautiful women around the world; the ones who came before us and all they fought for, the ones fighting now, and the one’s whose futures we fight to protect now… I’m left with the reminder there’s much work to be done still. If today serves as anything, it’s a reminder of the sisterhood we will continue to advocate for. I was reading articles on my lunch hour today, and decided look at the International Women’s Day website. I really enjoyed the IWD timeline they’ve provided, and I particularly appreciated their words on IWD in present day. A lot of bizarre things are going on in the world, politically. It’s easy to have mixed emotions about a day geared towards empowering woman, and I feel like they really hit the nail on the head by addressing that.

Check it out for yourselves:

“The world has witnessed a significant change and attitudinal shift in both women’s and society’s thoughts about women’s equality and emancipation. Many from a younger generation may feel that ‘all the battles have been won for women’ while many feminists from the 1970’s know only too well the longevity and ingrained complexity of patriarchy. With more women in the boardroom, greater equality in legislative rights, and an increased critical mass of women’s visibility as impressive role models in every aspect of life, one could think that women have gained true equality. The unfortunate fact is that women are still not paid equally to that of their male counterparts, women still are not present in equal numbers in business or politics, and globally women’s education, health and the violence against them is worse than that of men. However, great improvements have been made. We do have female astronauts and prime ministers, school girls are welcomed into university, women can work and have a family, women have real choices. And so each year the world inspires women and celebrates their achievements. IWD is an official holiday in many countries including Afghanistan, Armenia, Azerbaijan, Belarus, Burkina Faso, Cambodia, China (for women only), Cuba, Georgia, Guinea-Bissau, Eritrea, Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, Laos, Madagascar (for women only), Moldova, Mongolia, Montenegro, Nepal (for women only), Russia, Tajikistan, Turkmenistan, Uganda, Ukraine, Uzbekistan, Vietnam and Zambia. The tradition sees men honouring their mothers, wives, girlfriends, colleagues, etc with flowers and small gifts. In some countries IWD has the equivalent status of Mother’s Day where children give small presents to their mothers and grandmothers.

A global web of rich and diverse local activity connects women from all around the world ranging from political rallies, business conferences, government activities and networking events through to local women’s craft markets, theatric performances, fashion parades and more. Many global corporations actively support IWD by running their own events and campaigns. For example, on 8 March search engine and media giant Google often changes its Google Doodle on its global search pages to honor IWD. Year on year IWD is certainly increasing in status.

So make a difference, think globally and act locally!
Make everyday International Women’s Day.
Do your bit to ensure that the future for girls is bright, equal, safe and rewarding.”

 

 

Women Supporting Women

fem rants 

“There is a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.”
 –Madeleine Albright, former United States Ambassador to the United  Nations

 

It’s International Women’s Day, and guess what?? Feminist rants really are my jam! Here’s one of my favorites: the importance of supporting your fellow female badass……


Is there anything more special than having female friends?

I’ve noticed over the years that it appears to be a really trendy thing to label oneself as a “guy’s girl”, or the type of girl who “has more guy friends than girl friends”, because “women attract drama.”  Now, there’s obviously nothing wrong with having an abundance of male friends; I have plenty of guy friends. I’m talking about the women who avoid making friends with women-This has never been true for me. I was raised only by women, and I have been for women and all about women supporting women since before I understood the obstacles that a woman faces throughout her life. I can tell you from a lifetime of fembot training, WOMEN ARE BADASSES. We really are. YOU are a goddess, and so is the girl in the cube next to you. Carry yourself, and your bonds in a manner that pays tribute to that. Support other women; we all need it. No one understands us better than our gender does.

There’s a really special bond between female friends. Whether that bond be because we know what it’s like to have our baby box try to ruin us from the inside every month, or if it’s because we understand what it’s like to be judged the way we are by our appearance (tattooed, pierced, hair colored), by our having (or not having) children, by our choice in clothing, by our lifestyle choices, etc. Women understand women. Men have struggles, too. I’m not invalidating that, but they don’t struggle in the same manner in which a woman will throughout her lifetime.

Why is it important to support your fellow lady?

Women helping other women is the right thing to do. While not the only factor, it is most definitely one of the major arteries on the road to success. After all, what are we all doing here if not to help one another? The old stereotypes about women are tired and frankly, boring. Life is hard. Work is hard. Let’s cut one another a break and give the overly competitive, passive/aggressive and martyr behaviors a permanent rest. It’s time.” *Retrieved from 10 Reasons Why Women Should Support Women


This blogger hit the nail right on the head -what are we doing here if it isn’t to help one another achieve our maximum potential!?  Cutting one another down doesn’t do either party any good. No woman benefits from treating other women as if they aren’t worth our energy. In the work place, it’s tougher to gain respect as a woman than it is a man (this is widely known) -help a sister out! Don’t use the age-old excuse of “I had to fight to get where I am; she should, too!” False. She shouldn’t. If someone before you had done her part, your path wouldn’t have been riddled with difficulty. Do.Your.Part

ovaries

Author of “The Woman Code”, Sophia Nelson has a twenty tips to her fellow woman on how to navigate the waters of empowering your fellow sister. Here are a few that I found helpful from an article I discovered about female empowerment along with my personal thoughts:

  1. Steer Clear of women who “don’t do female friends”
    I swear I just said this. Oh, wait.. it’s because I did. This is a complete bullshit trend. I choose to believe the women who choose this path, choose it out of the ignorance of not having had fruitful female bonds in the past. It’s good to steer clear without judging her for her choices. Never put her down, but remember that you are the company you keep, ladies. If she’s someone who doesn’t “do girlfriends”, then she probably doesn’t have similar priorities or social tendencies as you and you can respectfully side-step and find a new friend elsewhere. Her interests don’t align with yours, and it’s difficult to maintain friendships when someone doesn’t support your beliefs.
  2. Collaborate and Share
    This is a lot similar to the excerpt from the blog that I inserted above. Her angle is to come together to achieve greatness, instead of competing the way society wants us to. Tell your girls the stuff they need to hear: you ARE beautiful, you ARE worth it, you CAN do this, etc. This concept can be as drastic as major life decisions, to the smallest decisions -no one buys $300 shoes without asking her best girl if she really needs them (which is likely a “fuck-no”. Homie, no one actually needs $300 shoes. Get a budget app, and then come back to me on whether or not you can afford those heals.)
  3. Be A Mentor
    This is one of those situations where you see someone struggling with something you (or someone close to you) has struggled with. Talk about it. Share your experience. Assist them in tackling this obstacle. Everyone needs a mentor-especially women.
  4. Pay-it-forward
    When you had someone help you through something, pay it forward. Help them in return. Even if all you give them in return is emotional support, it’s appreciated!
  5. Never Be Afraid to Have Courageous Conversations
    Being a woman is tough. A reported 1 in 5 is sexually assaulted throughout her lifetime. Oh, but to make that number even more saddening, assault in the home (where it occurs most) is HIGHLY under reported. Wouldn’t it be great if this 20% of women spoke to other women about their experiences,  in an effort to combat this heart breaking problem as well as starting the healing process for these other women. BE COURAGEOUS. Talk about stuff that’s uncomfortable. You never know who needs to hear your story, to gain the courage to share theirs.

In order to give this topic the respect it deserves, I’d have to start an entirely new blog dedicated to it …I promise I will, someday. Women are badasses, but we need to support each other in order to truly thrive as a gender at this point in time. Gender equality isn’t where it should be yet: we still have work to do. So be courageous and have those uncomfortable talks with others; be a mentor; help someone at work that you see a little of yourself in; pay-it-forward; stay away from men and women who don’t support your beliefs; collaborate and share- I’m here, supporting you, and telling you -you ARE great in all that you tackle in life. Be brilliant, and be advocates for one another.

 To Be Continued,

B&B

 

 

 

 

How to Continue Fighting Rape Culture Following Our Recent Events

Some of you, like the author of the article I’m about to share as well as myself, are survivors of sexual assault. For many of us, the election has brought back those feelings of disgust, lack of safety, and feelings that you’re alone. 

Well, you’re not. If yesterday’s historical event taught us anything, it’s that a whole lotta people care about you, me, and everyone in between. 

You are thought of and you are loved. 

Together, we rise. 

Do check out this Hello Giggles post How to Continue Fighting Rape Culture After Inauguration Day, After the Women’s March, and Beyond By Caitlin Flynn. 

SilenceEqualsViolence

Would you sit idle while someone victimized a loved one? No? Then use that voice the gods blessed you with, and stand up for your fellow American brothers and sisters who are being victimized by the government and other hateful citizens. We have to compensate for those who are not speaking up and advocating for change. ✊🏻✊🏼✊🏽✊🏾✊🏿 #KeepYourRosariesOffMyOvaries #BlackLivesMatter #AllMinorityLivesMatter #StopMuslimRegisteries #SilenceEqualsViolence 📸 cred: @subwaymanners

Unsent Messages

To the man who describes himself as a broken-hearted hero, 

I thought love was jealous, fragile, and painful. I thought everyone who loved deeply, did so complicatedly. 

Since you, I’ve discovered love through the purest of sources: friendship and kindness. 

The kind of love that makes me feel seen. The kind of love that makes me feel heard. 

It’s that kind of familial love I didn’t realize I already knew, and had no idea I would someday gain even more of. 

Because of what I’ve learned since you, I was ready for him. To see him. To hear him. To love him. 

I’m thankful for where my path has brought me. I hope you can say the same. 

Sincerely, 

The confident queen who walked away