Relationship Milestones

 

Relationship milestones are a total right-of-passage, and these “benchmarks” are hilarious and spot-on

I can’t say I’ve had anyone go to the bathroom while I was brushing teeth -that would be disturbing- but I do remember the first time I went without makeup in front of a mate. I don’t wear a lot of makeup, but it was freeing to have a clean face and relax without worrying about falling asleep with mascara on (because it’s the absolute worst).

I have had a few ladies message me, to talk to me about the phases of adjustment in a new relationship. Sometimes adjustments are awkward and uncomfortable.

Relationships new and old: how many of you remember these milestones?? These little (but big) relationship  “benchmarks” should be celebrated, because as I’ve said, relationships are fucking hard and any victory (small or big) is a win!

To Be Continued,

B&B

Drunk Text That Ex

imageUnless you’re me, and your drunk alter ego is a shady c**t who erases all evidence that you drunk texted AND called your ex the night before.

This is why it’s important to deal with our shit during the day, guys… If we push our feelings down, they’ll bubble up and demand to be acknowledged when we’re in NO capacity to deal with them.

I’m Basic&Bipolar, and I am a chronic drunk texter.

So, apparently after four+ vodkas, I decided to tell my ex he still hasn’t given my movies back after several requests, and “damnit I want them back. They’re mine, you fuck!” -which is wildly embarrassing, and we all know how well anyone would comply to a request like that.

Are any of you equally as embarrassing when drunk and irritated!? -Because I’m embarrassing, and I love a good ‘hot mess’ story! I want to hear ‘m -I know I’m not the only crazy ass out there!

To Be Continued,

B&B

Stagnation

 Relationships without passion: they happen to us all

Lately, I’ve been thinking about romantic relationship dynamics  and the people in my life who I think are either just tolerating their relationships or are wildly unhappy. And from what I’ve noticed in the love lives of my friends and family members, it seems to be a theme that a person ought to settle until something better comes along… Or they stay in these stagnant (and non-passionate) relationships because there’s so much history there.

This realization obviously saddens me (and should sadden us all), because these loved ones are not only settling, but nurturing an unwanted flower with tainted water. Relationships are fucking hard any time two people are involved (I say two people, because my cat and I get along beautifully).

Why bother putting work into a relationship with someone who you don’t really feel excited to be with?

These musings came to me while I was with my friend, discussing a relationship that ended a lifetime ago. It was a saga that went on for years, and it took me a really long time to realize that this individual didn’t give the slightest shit about what was important to me in life. All of the causes that are near and dear to my heart, he never asked about or took interest in my thoughts on them. This was someone who allegedly loved me, but never really knew or liked anything about me as a societal being. The stuff I care about and invest my time into is a HUGE part of who I am. Looking back, I can’t really figure out why he hung around so long if he had no interest in the entirety of who I am.

So, I then decided to look at the relationships of my loved ones….and that’s how I arrived at the mindset that a lot of them are just waiting around until they find something better. Someone whose interests better align with theirs.

After it took so long for me to realize that my past relationship was just a place-holder for a better mate, I never want to be in that type of relationship again. I want to be excited to be with someone; I want to feel honored to be in their life, and vice versa-and I want all of these things for my loved ones (this extends to each of my beautiful readers).

Maybe I’m wrong, and there’s nothing wrong with settling. These are just the musings of one woman.

To Be Continued,

B&B

For all the queens out there 

Preach, mama, preach!!!

Moms all around, we salute you!

thenotsosecretlifeofus

To the woman at the park, looking at her phone, ignoring her children,I salute you.

For not giving into the public perception that you should be switched on, 24 hours a day.

For giving no fucks about what “constable mother’s group” thinks.
To the woman with piles of dishes and washing who walks straight out the door for a coffee at her friends,

I salute you.

Being a good mum or wife or human does NOT mean spending eternity cleaning your house. If you leave them for long enough your friends will start doing them. Trust me.

To the woman at the doctors surgery, waiting patiently to request some antidepressant,

I salute you.

Post natal depression is a rude little cunt. You are still coping, do not confuse depression for not coping, you’ve taken action, you looks like a coping queen to me.

Too often strength and weakness are confused…

View original post 128 more words

Emily I

Poem II, from contributor Kevin Sullivan:

I woke up this morning to the sound of your feet touching the floor.

I pretended to be asleep, but you’ve always had a heavy step and I’ve always been a less than convincing liar.

You still left all the same; no goodbyes, no shame.

I got up as soon as the door closed. I set my bed on fire and forgot my mistakes.

I can’t blame myself for being weak when pitted against someone so strong. So I’ll keep making excuses night after night and keep making my bed of ashes.

I’ll welcome you back with open arms but turn my gaze to the floor because I can’t look you in the eye anymore.

My embrace will be as hollow as my I love you’s.

And you’ll go on forgetting you were ever wrong. You’ll go on thinking that everything is right in the world while I suffocate in my discontent.

This is the bed I’ve made; this is the bed I’ve burned; and this is the bed I’ll always crawl back into.


As always, your feedback is welcomed and appreciated. Thanks for reading, friends! 

B&B

Transphobic Remarks at the Golden Globes

I wanted to take a break from my typical life musings to talk about the Golden Globe controversy.

Ricky Gervais was accused of being transphobic at the Golden Globes (click highlighted name to view footage).

In the video, Gervais says:  “I’m going to be nice tonight. I’ve changed. Not as much as Bruce Jenner, obviously… now Caitlyn Jenner. What a year she’s had. She became a role model for trans people everywhere, showing great bravery in breaking down barriers and destroying stereotypes … She didn’t do a lot for women drivers, but you can’t have everything, can you?”

After receiving a lot of criticism for his choice of jest, he published a few related tweets:


What do you guys think? Is that transphobic? …as a follower of his career, I find it to be typical Gervais sexism comedy. I expect nothing less from him -not that I deem casual sexism acceptable in the slightest. I’m having a hard time viewing these comments as transphobic, and I also think these allegations towards him might be distracting us from discussing the frequency of casual sexism in comedy routines.

I want to hear your thoughts -my opinions are only that of one woman. How do you feel about his comments?

B&B 

NoChillChicksHere

image

I am the furthest thing from being a “cool chick”.

This is my dating reality: 

I have no idea how to navigate the dating world. I know what type of relationship I want, but I have no idea how to weed through contenders. You’d think I’d have better asshole radar after a decade of dating, but I don’t. And I want to stab myself in the eye every time I hear the phrase “I’m just looking for a chill chick to, you know, hang with.”

Let’s discuss the phenomenon that is “the cool chick”

This concept is one that is pushed on women a lot. I absolutely hate the concept of her. She’s not real: she’s a sexist concept that was probably created by beer commercials.  From what I gather, a “cool” or “chill” chick is the following: unbothered by flakey-ness, DTF always, never gets too emotional, never gets jealous, loves “dude” activities (whatever that means), doesn’t need relationship labels, she’s adventurous, fearless, and is basically a guy with tits.

I have a few ladies in my coven that would fit the majority of those characteristics…but never too emotional? Always unbothered by flakey-ness? …that’s where I, and most women get lost: flakey-ness should never be tolerated, and being emotional is not a negative behavior. We should celebrate uniqueness from one another, and our emotions are one of those unique things we should not be ashamed to celebrate.

If someone stands me up or flakes on me multiple times, I will probably rid my life of that person (romantic or not). I don’t always like “dude” activities -I hate video games (if that’s a dude activity), and I only have sports knowledge when it’s relevant to me. I like labels (and label makers!), as I find that they assist in providing comfort in budding relationships. I am pretty adventurous, but I’m not even mildly fearless…. as I am afraid of almost everything. I am extremely emotional, and I have no shame in letting it be known that I basically have multiple personalities.

Yeah, I’m definitely not an ideal “cool chick”, and dating in my mid-twenties has been a total grab bag of mixed results. Unrealistic expectations make dating even harder. Women are not two-dimensional creatures. You can’t get the woman that loves sports, AND likes to keep things casual for THREE years. That’s not a thing, guys. We have complex personalities. We aren’t…men. I will probably always be adventurous, but also extremely neurotic and love labels (of all kinds).

Basically, dating in my twenties is the worst. And down with this “chill chick” concept!

To Be Continued,

B&B 

Age and Body Shaming

thenBody shaming is something that has been widely discussed over the course of the last 5-7 years. As a society, it’s slowly becoming less and less acceptable to body shame. In Carrie Fisher’s case, she wasn’t just body shamed, she was also age shamed. People were coming down on her for aging and becoming “softer” than he former 20 year old self.

This is something that hits close to home for all of us…

As a culture, we’re expected to be bikini ready, age flawlessly, and always embrace our “true selves”. How can we do the latter while doing the former? You can’t always embrace your natural state if you’re worried about how people will treat you if you’re not bikini-ready. And let’s also discuss that being bikini-ready shouldn’t be a “thing”. The idea that we don’t look beautiful because we don’t look like a Victoria secret model in a two-piece is an abusive social trend. These standards put WAY too much pressure on the average young woman. I can’t even imagine what these standards do to the average aging woman, let alone the aging woman that was once a sex symbol among geeks of all kinds.

Why do we expect more from her?
This all boils down to people’s perception of beautiful people around the world: beautiful people are inherently good, happy, generous, and age well. -This is obviously incredibly false. Beautiful people are human: they eat, they poop, they can be horrible, they can be wonderful, but most of all…they all age!

She IS our Princess Leia
A lot of “trolls” were commenting that it was almost as if our princess Leia (that we all know and love) was gone, and replaced by this older and “softer” looking woman. Well, trolls, do you think that Han Solo can be a grandpa-aged man, but Leia will stay in her 20’s forever? -She’s not a vampire, and Star Wars is Science Fiction, not Fantasy: people age in Star Wars. Take your vampire and werewolf anti-aging expectations elsewhere: you’re in the wrong genre of geekdom.

Huffington Post covered a few of the hurtful comments that were tweeted directly to Carrie, and they also provided her classy shut down to all of the haters: “Youth and beauty are not accomplishments. They’re temporary by-products [sic] of time and/or DNA. Don’t hold your breath for either.”
YESSSSSSSSSS. Thank you, Carrie Fisher, you classy classy woman. External beauty is NOT permanent, unless you’re Cher. In her case, she’s invested an immeasurable amount of money to appear as if father time has never been in her presence. Good for her, but also good for everyone else who greets him with grace.

Who says just because someone is a public figure that they have to invest money on anti-aging procedures? Shame on you, anti-aging trolls. Look to your parents and grandparents, and think about someone verbally attacking their physique, via social media, for altering over 40 years. It’s cruel and COMPLETELY unacceptable.

What Carrie Fisher endured was horrifying. The original Star Wars movies came out 40 years ago. If anything, be impressed with the fact that she showed up to honor the original duo that is Luke and Leia. -Yes, she was every nerd’s wet dream in the 70’s: how does that mean she’s not allowed to age as the rest of us do!? And why do nerds of 2016 expect hotness from someone who their moms and dads swooned over in the 70’s??    -Your parents are old as fuck, why wouldn’t a character from their era ALSO be aged??? -Keep this in mind when you allow your internal thoughts to become external thoughts. We’re all human, it’s not uncommon to think “holy crap… I didn’t expect this character to age”, but that’s something we say to our friends, or keep to ourselves. Think before spewing hatred, Internet trollers.

nowGood for you, Carrie Fisher, for dealing with these cruel comments in such a classy way. I never took a liking to Princess Leia’s character, but Carrie Fisher definitely has a fan in me. Bravo, Madam.

 

To Be Continued

B&B

 

A Continuation of Crazy Exes

Exes: having one and being one.


Being an ex is weird, and having one may be even weirder.

You get used to a role, and then you’re suddenly dethroned and everything that had happened between you and your partner is not only in the past, but will likely be discussed with his/her future mate. And depending on how poorly it ended, it could end up being discussed as  entertainment in a bar amongst friends and strangers. I had posted earlier about how much I dislike “crazy ex” stories. They seldom portray accuracy, and more often than not, you never find out what lead to this “crazy behavior”.

I had a few different stories messaged and commented onto my Basic&Bipolar Facebook page, and there was a common theme: bad patterns that lead to hurt feelings. I was going to possibly share a few stories that were sent to me, and even one of my own, but I decided against it because I think those stories have probably already been given enough attention by the people who constructed them.

When I hear the phrase “got rid of that crazy bitch”, so much of it saddens me. Partly because she’s a person with feelings, and partly because he’s obviously so ignorant that he has no idea how powerful a phrase like that can be when it’s uttered by someone this person used to love (or may still have lingering feelings for).

I had an ex spin a tale about me, one that (if his audience didn’t know me well) would really question my character as a person. It hurt me deeply when I heard what he had said. Someone I loved had portrayed me as a monster, for the sheer fact that he wasn’t willing to take any responsibility for his role in the demise of our prolonged and messy relationship.

I never understood the need to fabricate stories about exes. I’ve heard blatant lies about myself that were created by my ex, and I thought it was so strange. I am a moody lunatic, and if I have my period, look out world! None of what he said had anything to do with my actual personality or the reality of our breakup. Unfortunately, it did make me wonder if maybe he would have treated me better afterwards had I been less emotional in the end.

It took me a long time to date after hearing such awful things about myself. Why be part of a private relationship if our story will be mutated and rewritten to suit some jerk’s agenda?

I eventually got over it, and did date again. I still think that particular guy can rot, but after the self-doubt passed, I realized he was talking about a fictional person. I am more than the story he depicted. I’m sure some people bought into what he was selling, but I found a certain comfort in him having to lie to make his treatment towards me seem just. It reassured me that the best thing I can do for myself as a person is live my life authentically and to never alter my behavior to suit someone else’s agenda.

I will always be a moody girl who is so agreeable and cool one day, and unapologetically difficult the next. I never depict myself as anything short of that.

Back to you, whoever you may be:  if you are a crazy ex or have one, remember that no one’s words can define you but your own. You’re the only author of YOUR story, so  depict your reality the truest way you can, by being yourself regardless of what anyone says about you. You can never be certain that someone won’t turn out to be a jerk after the relationship is over, so take the high road and make sure you’re not contributing to the gross trend that is “crazy ex story-telling”. Respect your past loves. Respect the time you shared together. And when you do eventually hear these stories, take a second to ask that individual what role they played in the end of that relationship. I can guarantee you’ll get an over-reactive “NOTHING! she’s just that crazy!”, or an awkward pause of silence.

Chin up, my fellow warriors: dating is fucking brutal.

To Be Continued,

B&B

Crazy exes

A girlfriend of mine was just telling me about a “crazy ex girlfriend” story she had heard this weekend, and how grossed out she felt about this girl’s ex telling this story to a complete stranger. That poor woman. Wherever she is. Whoever she is.

How unfair that people seldom share their role in a messy breakup. Share your stories! Message me or comment on the page-I want to hear about you being depicted as the “big bad”, or someone you know being unfairly portrayed after a breakup.

Post eleven will include my feelings on situations like this, and my personal experience with this topic.

To Be Continued,

B&B