Love?

I’m 25, and I’m still not entirely sure what love is. So far, I know he’s someone I adore fiercely, but also someone who frustrates me …but I still don’t really know how to pinpoint when it happens, or if it’s just a connection? Whatever that means.

To be honest, I still don’t know how to label the example I’m about to give. I don’t know if it was a “connection”, or what the hell it was. I only know that I felt so at home with this guy, and that I’ve never felt that way before with someone. During the entirety of our first date, I felt like I had been waiting to feel surrounded by this calm, comforting guy for the longest time.

I must also say, this isn’t something that happens to me often. 

He was different..he was such a beautiful man. Yes, he was attractive- but something else about him just made him so much more beautiful to me. I was determined to turn him into my best friend, or pretty much anything that kept him close for as long as possible. I still maintain the belief that I’ve never encountered that feeling with another person. Every time we spent time together or talked, I felt that same way I did on our first date. It didn’t dull, it only grew. I don’t know how to better describe it: he was absolutely beautiful to me, and that’s all I know. 

The relationship didn’t last, but I remember how he made me feel… it was a little magical. And that’s something I get to keep with me. 

To Be Continued,

B&B

 

So you’re a little crazy, and?

It’s 11 pm, and I’m listening to Sia’s piano version of “Elastic Heart” on repeat. Am I the only one that that song just takes to church? -It’s such a beautiful rendition of that song.

Anyway, it’s really late, and all I can think about it is how often I get feedback about how freeing people feel when they read about how open I am about being a moody mess any day that ends in “y”. I’m happy about all of the feedback, but the sheer fact that so many women  feel they can only be themselves behind closed doors REALLY motivates me to work harder to encourage people to be authentic. What is more trendy than taking care of yourself mentally and emotionally?

I really can’t give you advice on how to come out of your shell, other than just telling you that you will be okay when you do. I hid for 20 years, behind sarcasm and negativity. I’ve known since I was really young that I had an abundance of ever changing emotions, and letting people find that out terrified me. People treated mental illnesses like they were to be feared OR that they were imagined. I was working hard to prevent people from finding out that I was not only emotional, but that I was a flawed individual (I know, who isn’t?). I never talked about my feelings, and hated working on my communication with others. I just wanted to hide, and pretend that some day, I would just wake up and feel better. I thought it was phase or something. I always got annoyed by those peppy people that would say shit like “Happiness is a choice! CHOOSE HAPPINESS!!” -and all I could think was, “F you. I’m glad you were born with a rainbow shoved up your ass, but not all of us are inherently positive.”

But then I finally decided that I wasn’t participating in my life; I was just existing, and hoping that no one noticed anything negative about me. I did a lot to get where I am in terms of being comfortable with who I am as a woman, and as someone who has a mental illness. I spend a LOT of time telling people my story, because I don’t want ANYONE out there to feel how I felt. Whether you have a mental illness, or you just have bad days, allow yourself to FEEL. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. We are all flawed, beautiful, and chaotic; we’re human beings. If you wanted perfection, ask a homie up in the sky to bring you back as a cat in your next life. Cats lick their own asses and don’t give a f*k who is watching….if that isn’t security, I don’t know what is!

Allowing those stigmas about feelings and mental illness to get to you is not only giving into the problem, but it’s contributing to the hurt that it causes in others. Much like any other stigma out there, think about how it effects the young. Being a teen is so rough, regardless of the possibility of mental illness. All of those emotions and hormones.

Teens aside, Imagine how many friends you know (or maybe you do this, too) that hide their personality (or baggage!?) in the beginning of relationships. Am I the only person that thinks that that’s not only bizarre, but it’s the ultimate form of false advertisement??? -I have friends that try to be that super chill chick in the beginning of their relationships, and wait until they’re 3-5 months in, and then they let their partners know how they really feel about all of the crap they’ve been cataloging since day 1 of dating this individual. AND EVERY DAMN TIME the partner thinks they’re insane. Well, babe, you kind of lied about who you were, and 3-5 months in, you basically said “JUST KIDDING…..I’m NOTHING like I said I was. In fact, those movies you took me to, well, I hated ALL of them. And I also hate sports, video games, and your new haircut.”…….. Yeah, obviously that won’t really go over well, sweet cheeks.

Be YOU! If people don’t like who YOU are, then find new people. I’m not for everyone, and I’ve definitely had people make it very apparent to me that I’m not their cup of tea. So, on to the next one. Do YOU like everyone you meet? -I’ll answer that for you-No, no you don’t. No one does!

Be yourself. Not only for you, but for the next person who sees you being accepting of every portion of yourself, and says to themselves “maybe it’s okay to be me”-You never know who you may help just by being authentic.

We may only know each other from the interwebs, but I am cheering you on every step of the way!

 

To Be Continued,

B&B

Sex with Exes

I’ve gotten a few more topic suggestions from friends, and one trend that I noticed was that all of the suggestions were about men. Which is lovely, because this happens to be one of my favorite topics to discuss. Primarily because men baffle me –I have always struggled with accepting that they don’t think the same way I do. Also, I never really grew out of that “giggling about boys” stage. I likely never will. Because there were several suggestions about these primitive beings (just kidding), I decided I’d briefly address a few at a time. I really like putting this out there, because unless we talk about it, how does anyone know that there are other people out there that can empathize with us? Here we go: “sex with her ex” and “clueless spouse”.

!!Disclaimer: I was listening to my Adele station on Pandora the entire time I wrote this, so in order for you to be in the same place, it’s really necessary for you to turn yours on (I know you have one)!!
“Sex with her ex”-“Why do I do it even though I know it’s a bad idea?”

Girl, we all do it. Men do it, too. I have so many guy friends that will text or call me, and be like “WHY CAN’T I STAY AWAY FROM HER!? SHE’S SO BAD FOR ME!!!”. Even in situations that the other person didn’t “wrong” you, we all know it’s really just not great for the adjustment to go back and sleep with them. It sends so many mixed signals, and regardless of what people say, seldom are two people consistently on the same page when they’re no longer in a committed relationship with one another. There’s that security and trust that comes with commitment, where you know that person’s intentions in the relationship and it gives you the freedom from that paranoia monster that creeps into our thoughts and tells us to be suspicious of other’s motives. –A little suspicion never hurt no one –but overall, it’s not great to be in any situation that makes you feel uneasy. –Story Time- I not only slept with an ex, but it took me years after our break up to actually want to potentially put up with another relationship. Why? –Because in the beginning of us fooling around, it was fun and playful. It was like our relationship, just without all of the drama. Once that honeymoon period wore off, we were left with nothing but the distrust and negativity that split us up in the first place. We continued to sleep together, and it took me a really long time to accept that because of that toxic dynamic, I didn’t even enjoy “play time” anymore. I had gone to visit one of my best friends and I told her “It’s been two years since I’ve actually enjoyed sex. I keep thinking it’s me. Maybe it’s my meds, or maybe it’s an age thing?” and she was shocked, because as you guys have read previously, I.LOVE.PLAYTIME. Well, it made me realize that I only thoroughly enjoy playtime when I’m with someone that I’m really into and care about, and they care about me (all of me). I’m an intense person, if I feel like someone may not accept all of my personalities(no joke-all of them), I just don’t feel close to them and then I don’t want to be close to them. Long story short, I ended up hating him. It’s been YEARS and I still shutter a little when I think about him. –Back to you, sex with her ex. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Life is a learning process, and this is something we all have to learn for ourselves. Your experience may not be as negative as some of ours have been. It may or may not blow up in your face; be aware that your results will be unpredictable. And most of all, just remember to protect yourself(in every way).

“Clueless Spouse”-“My partner can’t take a hint to save his life.”

First, I actually laughed when I saw the title to that message, because HOLY SHIT are we all with you on that boat of pissed off partners. Who doesn’t have a partner that can’t take a hint? Seriously. Well, my loves, I have learned something invaluable, and it’s simply that not everyone has our same thought process and that it is absolute madness to attempt to project our thought process onto another. Just tell him. I hate hinting, because I could try to tell my ex boyfriend that I kind of just wanted to “stay home tonight, and be cozy”, and without a doubt, he’d invite some friends over to play video games. And then there’s me in my unicorn footie pajamas, making popcorn so we can watch rom-coms and stare into each other’s eyes. IT.NEVER.FAILED. –So, just tell him. That’s what I resorted to doing. I had to straight up tell him, WE ARE STAYING HOME TO BE IN LOVE AND STARE INTO EACH OTHER’S EYES! -and even though we aren’t together anymore, that is probably the only relationship of mine that didn’t crash and burn. So, sugar tits, be direct. It’s the only way to combat this problem, and when you’re frustrated with him, explain why you’re so annoyed. Growing up, I’d get frustrated with my dad for not listening to everything I was saying, and his response would ALWAYS be “Be patient. I am just a mere mortal. My brain doesn’t have the capacity to comprehend everything you’re putting off right now.” –So, try to think of it that way. Men often can’t pick up on non-verbals(sighs, hand gestures, facial expressions) the same way that women can. For us, it is just processed automatically, but for men, they have to make a conscious effort to catalog these behaviors. So, be patient with him. 😉 He can’t help it that he’s just a mere mortal.

To Be Continued,

B&B

Cute, but crazy

I was watching the movie “The Holiday” last night. For those of you who haven’t seen that movie, it’s starring Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet.. as well as Jude Law and Jack Black. Well, the movie is essentially about two women who are in their 30’s and still haven’t figured out how to find the right balance between letting someone in, and being the only one in the relationship. The two women are on opposite sides of this spectrum: one woman is madly in love with someone that hardly notices her, and the other one is the typical depiction of an “ice queen”. -I recommend this movie to anyone who loves someone that doesn’t love them back: it’ll give you that reason to sob that you’ve been searching for for some time.

Everything about that movie made me think “How the fuck am I both of these female characters at the same time!?” -Well, I’ll tell you how. Remember when I mentioned in post One that I have the mood swings of a menopausal woman in her 50’s? -That wasn’t said in jest. I can be the only one in a relationship, to where I’m giving this person every last drop of my attention and my energy, and they give nothing in return. AND I can also completely drop people, and walk away without any remorse whatsoever. I’m basically two different women at all times. I was having a conversation with a friend of mine recently and she asked what had happened to the last guy I was talking to her about, and my response was “Oh, I told him I never wanted to speak to him again. You know me, 4 unanswered text messages, and I go from zero-to-crazy. I wonder what he’s up to. Think he’ll just laugh off how insane I was? I really like him.” And as is usual, this friend looked at me and said “Good thing you’re cute, otherwise you’d never get away with being so crazy.”

Though what she said was said to be funny and not sincere, I wonder what it is about being so honest about our ever changing emotions that makes people so uncomfortable. I believe in following my instincts and being true to them. If I want to tell some guy that I don’t like him that week, because I have my period and I want to throw something at him, I actually will tell him that. I’m clearly no expert at dating, but I’m really comfortable with my natural state. I heavily dislike the stigma that is put on women that allow their emotions to show on the regular. Being “emotional” isn’t a handicap. This isn’t to suggest that I believe in allowing my emotions to rule my life; I wouldn’t recommend that, but I do recommend allowing yourself to be “seen”. Don’t hide who you are. Your partner is going to find out sooner or later, anyway. 😉 Just try it!

So, if you’re out there, being ashamed of having an abundance of feelings today(or every day), I support you and your abundance of feelings.

To Be Continued,

B&B