It’s 11 pm, and I’m listening to Sia’s piano version of “Elastic Heart” on repeat. Am I the only one that that song just takes to church? -It’s such a beautiful rendition of that song.
Anyway, it’s really late, and all I can think about it is how often I get feedback about how freeing people feel when they read about how open I am about being a moody mess any day that ends in “y”. I’m happy about all of the feedback, but the sheer fact that so many women feel they can only be themselves behind closed doors REALLY motivates me to work harder to encourage people to be authentic. What is more trendy than taking care of yourself mentally and emotionally?
I really can’t give you advice on how to come out of your shell, other than just telling you that you will be okay when you do. I hid for 20 years, behind sarcasm and negativity. I’ve known since I was really young that I had an abundance of ever changing emotions, and letting people find that out terrified me. People treated mental illnesses like they were to be feared OR that they were imagined. I was working hard to prevent people from finding out that I was not only emotional, but that I was a flawed individual (I know, who isn’t?). I never talked about my feelings, and hated working on my communication with others. I just wanted to hide, and pretend that some day, I would just wake up and feel better. I thought it was phase or something. I always got annoyed by those peppy people that would say shit like “Happiness is a choice! CHOOSE HAPPINESS!!” -and all I could think was, “F you. I’m glad you were born with a rainbow shoved up your ass, but not all of us are inherently positive.”
But then I finally decided that I wasn’t participating in my life; I was just existing, and hoping that no one noticed anything negative about me. I did a lot to get where I am in terms of being comfortable with who I am as a woman, and as someone who has a mental illness. I spend a LOT of time telling people my story, because I don’t want ANYONE out there to feel how I felt. Whether you have a mental illness, or you just have bad days, allow yourself to FEEL. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. We are all flawed, beautiful, and chaotic; we’re human beings. If you wanted perfection, ask a homie up in the sky to bring you back as a cat in your next life. Cats lick their own asses and don’t give a f*k who is watching….if that isn’t security, I don’t know what is!
Allowing those stigmas about feelings and mental illness to get to you is not only giving into the problem, but it’s contributing to the hurt that it causes in others. Much like any other stigma out there, think about how it effects the young. Being a teen is so rough, regardless of the possibility of mental illness. All of those emotions and hormones.
Teens aside, Imagine how many friends you know (or maybe you do this, too) that hide their personality (or baggage!?) in the beginning of relationships. Am I the only person that thinks that that’s not only bizarre, but it’s the ultimate form of false advertisement??? -I have friends that try to be that super chill chick in the beginning of their relationships, and wait until they’re 3-5 months in, and then they let their partners know how they really feel about all of the crap they’ve been cataloging since day 1 of dating this individual. AND EVERY DAMN TIME the partner thinks they’re insane. Well, babe, you kind of lied about who you were, and 3-5 months in, you basically said “JUST KIDDING…..I’m NOTHING like I said I was. In fact, those movies you took me to, well, I hated ALL of them. And I also hate sports, video games, and your new haircut.”…….. Yeah, obviously that won’t really go over well, sweet cheeks.
Be YOU! If people don’t like who YOU are, then find new people. I’m not for everyone, and I’ve definitely had people make it very apparent to me that I’m not their cup of tea. So, on to the next one. Do YOU like everyone you meet? -I’ll answer that for you-No, no you don’t. No one does!
Be yourself. Not only for you, but for the next person who sees you being accepting of every portion of yourself, and says to themselves “maybe it’s okay to be me”-You never know who you may help just by being authentic.
We may only know each other from the interwebs, but I am cheering you on every step of the way!
To Be Continued,