Love?

I’m 25, and I’m still not entirely sure what love is. So far, I know he’s someone I adore fiercely, but also someone who frustrates me …but I still don’t really know how to pinpoint when it happens, or if it’s just a connection? Whatever that means.

To be honest, I still don’t know how to label the example I’m about to give. I don’t know if it was a “connection”, or what the hell it was. I only know that I felt so at home with this guy, and that I’ve never felt that way before with someone. During the entirety of our first date, I felt like I had been waiting to feel surrounded by this calm, comforting guy for the longest time.

I must also say, this isn’t something that happens to me often. 

He was different..he was such a beautiful man. Yes, he was attractive- but something else about him just made him so much more beautiful to me. I was determined to turn him into my best friend, or pretty much anything that kept him close for as long as possible. I still maintain the belief that I’ve never encountered that feeling with another person. Every time we spent time together or talked, I felt that same way I did on our first date. It didn’t dull, it only grew. I don’t know how to better describe it: he was absolutely beautiful to me, and that’s all I know. 

The relationship didn’t last, but I remember how he made me feel… it was a little magical. And that’s something I get to keep with me. 

To Be Continued,

B&B

 

Holidays&Hookups

Before I begin with my “New Year” post, I’d like to take a moment to address a discussion topic suggestion I received on the Basic&Bipolar Facebook page. Here we go: “Holidays and Hookups: at what point do you get your sex buddy a Christmas gift?”

Well, Holidays and Hookups, it really depends on your dynamic with this person. Do you have that type of relationship?

This is a really lame comparison, but it’s the last time I was in a mildly similar position. Once, I had sent a Christmas card to a guy I was talking to for a few months, and he never even acknowledged that he received it. I eventually asked if it had made it to him yet, and he responded with “I got it.” –and that was it. I wanted to respond with “Hey, you’re welcome, yah fuck. Thanks for wishing me a Merry Christmas in return!” …actually I kind of did. You know me, good ol’ mood swings for days.

Anyway, we were in that type of dynamic that it didn’t feel weird for me to send him something. We were friends in addition to being “friendly”. I think giving gifts to people you know REALLY well is easy, because you know how they’ll react, and they know what your intentions were with giving. When it’s someone you don’t know as well, and you don’t know how they show appreciation, or whatever… giving gifts can be really awkward. Mine was just a card, and even though time has passed and I don’t speak to that guy anymore, I still feel kind of like a jackass for sending it to someone who appears to have viewed it as bothersome or unwanted.

Giving gifts can be sort of personal.  It’s usually something I only do for loved ones. When someone has the perception that you view them as a loved one, it has the potential to make things progress into a more committed relationship OR make things kind of awkward. You could do a dirty Christmas exchange in an effort to keep it friendly and playful –the gift must be wearable and edible at the same time!

 

Okay, NYE post:
As the year of 2015 is wrapping up, it might be neat for us all to reflect on our year. What better way to appreciate a new beginning, than to reflect on the past year, as we take a step into our shared new year. I’ve compiled a short list to guide you through your reflections and mine.

 

What was your fondest memory of 2015?
One of my fondest memories was nothing extraordinary, but it was everything all at the same time. It was a moment where someone shared how one of my friends describes me to their loved ones, and it was filled with so much love. It was a gift to see how highly this person thinks of me. This moment made me incredibly happy, and has stuck with me throughout the year. It’s really magical to see how your loved view you. I don’t think there’s anything I love more than the wonderful people in my life. I have so many fond memories with my family and friends, this just happened to be the first one that came to mind.

What is the best, and even most inspiring conversation you had in 2015?
I met a lovely middle aged man from India, who was talking to me about his perception of the way a soul can evolve through a person’s lifetime. He believed that through the course of our journey towards adulthood, many of us accumulate a lot of bad habits and baggage. As a result, some of us leave behind this negative fingerprint or cosmic (spiritual) scent. He believed that as we grow older and not only acknowledge that baggage but resolve it… that that baggage is still present, but slowly the positive or sweeter cosmic scent overpowers that initial negativity. He used the example of Jasmine. He said, no matter how thick the crap is, Jasmine will always grow through the cracks and eventually overpower it. –I had never heard anyone explain the human experience quite that way. Maybe it was the way he explained it, but it was such a beautiful and inspiring thing for me to hear. And we had had this conversation at a pivotal moment in my life. I had just experienced a loss, and I was struggling with it, emotionally. He was a beautiful man, and that was something I definitely needed to hear. I had a lot of crap in my life at that time, but that beautiful scent of jasmine was still capable of overpowering the negative in the overall experience of my life.

What did you accomplish this year that you’re proud of, that you may have struggled with in the past?
Starting this blog is something I’m pretty proud of. I’ve been doing this for under two weeks and I have 100 followers between WP and Facebook. And a lot of you are very responsive and interactive with the content. I love connecting with people, and talking about our similar and different philosophies. So, thank you, guys! I wanted to start something semi-anonymous, to reach out to more people and it has turned out to be pretty fruitful thus far!

What’s a habit or trend in your life that you’d like to leave in the past that will soon be 2015?
Being too critical of myself is something I’d like to leave in 2015. This is something that a lot of people do. I’d like to work on being as critical with myself as I would any other loved one in my life. I think it’s important to give ourselves a break here and there.

Do you have any challenges set for 2016?
I don’t believe in random resolutions. I believe in setting challenges, and making life-style changes. I set lifestyle goals for myself every 6 months, and I spend a decent amount of time planning these goals to the fullest extent. A few months ago, I wanted to work on better time management (I frequently ran out of hours in the day). This next month, my challenge will be to start krav maga. I love this method of self-defense, and I think it would be great for me to get into. Besides, who hates a chick that can kick some ass?? Not this girl!

2015 has been a beautiful year for me. Ive learned a lot, and I wouldn’t take back any part of my year. I got to spend an extended period of time in the beginning of the year with some of my favorite people; that was pretty magical and definitely made this year stand out for me.

Happy Holidays, you beautiful bunch!

To Be Continued,

B&B

Dating Myths

Dating is rough on all of us. Let’s not forget all of Le Queen Adele’s “21” album; an album dedicated to the perils of dating in her twenties.

So, I thought I’d take a stroll through some really bad dating advice, and I ended up looking into common dating myths. I found this fabulous list from thedatereport.com, titled “Ten dating myths you should ignore”, and I absolutely loved it!

 

  1. The guy should pay
    This is a ritual that I find incredibly archaic. The man does NOT have to pay. Ladies, going halvesies is completely acceptable. I’ve had friends that get shy about it, because they don’t want to appear aggressive -I say screw it! When you’re in a serious relationship, you’ll probably be splitting the bills, so why not start out that way?
    –You buy the theater tickets, he buys the snacks. BOOM!
  2. You shouldn’t have sex on a first date
    No. Just no. If you want to have sex with someone on the first date, and they want to have sex with you, go for it! Ignore what your Nana told you about giving the milk out for free, and do what you want to do. The bottom line is, if you and your potential partner aren’t “waiters”, then you aren’t. If you are, then you are. DO. WHAT. YOU.WANT. Fuck what Nana told you. (My Nana is dead, and her ghost is busy haunting her third husband, so it’s unlikely that she’ll know I just said that.)
  3. Dress casually
    I’m guilty of giving this advice, but I didn’t say it in the “look shabby-chic”, I said it in the “don’t wear a skin-tight dress, because you won’t be able to eat, drink, or breath.” –My policy on dressing for dates is dress according to the activity and ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS make sure that you’re comfortable. You can’t give anyone your full attention if you can’t stop thinking about how tight your pants are, or that you’re afraid to sit down in your skirt. No one needs that kind of stress on a first date.
  4. The guy has to be the one to follow-up
    False. Carpe diem, homie. DO WHAT YOU FUCKING WANT. If you really like him, tell him. If you never want to see him again, tell him (politely) that you’re going in another direction. Getting turned down by me is basically a job rejection: thanks for your applications, sir, but I’ve decided to take this in another direction. Best of luck to you in your search! (no joke, I have said that before)
  5. Be fashionably late
    If he’s within 10 minutes, no problem. If he’s later than 15 minutes and hasn’t reached out to tell you that he’s running behind, onto the next one, sister. I hold a tally on first dates, if they have 4 by the end of the date, they don’t get called again. We all know his phone is attached to his hip, he’s not too busy to tell you that he’s running late. -I also hold myself to this standard. I’m a chronic texter, so I have no qualms with letting my date know that I’m running late.
  6. Bars and clubs are a great place to meet
    I don’t mind meeting people at bars, but if I’m drinking a lot of wine, I’m probably going to order a bunch of appetizers OR leave the date early so I can go home and make a pizza… soooooo it’s probably just better to meet somewhere more casual. I really like movie dates at home, though. I like getting to know people in private, so you can actually ask personal questions without someone at the table next your date, wondering if you’re on a date or if you’re conducting a job interview. -Because I’m obviously doing both. Dating me is a job. Also, bars and clubs are usually pretty loud. It’s hard to get to know someone while you’re shouting from two feet away.
  7. It is (super) weird to think about the future
    There’s a lot of research that supports that this is not-so-weird. Many MANY people consider their potential futures with someone. Why wouldn’t you? Are you dating, so you can potentially find someone that you enjoy spending time with long-term? ….Well, long-term relationships need forethought.
  8. Your body is being judged
    I’m going to steal what the website commented here, because I really liked it: ”The top three things that singles judge a potential first date by are grammar, self-confidence, and their teeth (random). Your body-shape is perfect the way it is, and if a first date can’t see that then good riddance!” –Good riddance is right!! You’re perfectly fine the way you are; no one is judging your body! You put yourself out there and went on this date, you deserve a good time! Don’t let the paranoia monster in. YOU.LOOK.DIVINE.
  9. “Friends With Benefits” will never turn into a serious relationship
    This is just not factual. I don’t know why people say this. I think there are types of casual hook-up relationships that have no hope, but there are plenty that form into something more. Like I said above, it just depends on the two people and what they’re both looking for. If you’re both on the same page and want that currently, but have nothing against it developing into something more..why wouldn’t it? I think this myth causes paranoia. I’ve had girlfriends ask me if I think their relationship is hopeless because it started by them just fooling around here and there at one point. No. I definitely do NOT think that. DO WHAT YOU WANT.
  10. Everyone fibs about their sexual history
    I know men and women that aren’t honest about this, but I think I know more people that are honest. However, I also don’t think this is an appropriate question for a first date. I have asked someone just out of curiosity before, but I didn’t actually have interest in dating him. I was just trying to figure out if he was a 40 year old virgin (which would have been perfectly fine). I’m really big on honesty, so if you don’t want to tell someone the truth just tell them that that’s a conversation for your future husband (or someone you’re in a serious relationship with). If you’re already in a serious relationship, just tell them. No one is going to dump you, because of your magic number. If they do, they’re an asshole. Also, don’t be daft and act like you don’t know your number –we all know our number.

 

So, let’s recap: IGNORE DATING MYTHS!!!! Oh, and my Nana is busy haunting her ex-husband(s) and hopefully not hovering over any of your shoulders, reading this post. But on a serious note, do what you feel is best for YOU and you’ll be golden! 😉

To Be Continued,

B&B

So you’re a little crazy, and?

It’s 11 pm, and I’m listening to Sia’s piano version of “Elastic Heart” on repeat. Am I the only one that that song just takes to church? -It’s such a beautiful rendition of that song.

Anyway, it’s really late, and all I can think about it is how often I get feedback about how freeing people feel when they read about how open I am about being a moody mess any day that ends in “y”. I’m happy about all of the feedback, but the sheer fact that so many women  feel they can only be themselves behind closed doors REALLY motivates me to work harder to encourage people to be authentic. What is more trendy than taking care of yourself mentally and emotionally?

I really can’t give you advice on how to come out of your shell, other than just telling you that you will be okay when you do. I hid for 20 years, behind sarcasm and negativity. I’ve known since I was really young that I had an abundance of ever changing emotions, and letting people find that out terrified me. People treated mental illnesses like they were to be feared OR that they were imagined. I was working hard to prevent people from finding out that I was not only emotional, but that I was a flawed individual (I know, who isn’t?). I never talked about my feelings, and hated working on my communication with others. I just wanted to hide, and pretend that some day, I would just wake up and feel better. I thought it was phase or something. I always got annoyed by those peppy people that would say shit like “Happiness is a choice! CHOOSE HAPPINESS!!” -and all I could think was, “F you. I’m glad you were born with a rainbow shoved up your ass, but not all of us are inherently positive.”

But then I finally decided that I wasn’t participating in my life; I was just existing, and hoping that no one noticed anything negative about me. I did a lot to get where I am in terms of being comfortable with who I am as a woman, and as someone who has a mental illness. I spend a LOT of time telling people my story, because I don’t want ANYONE out there to feel how I felt. Whether you have a mental illness, or you just have bad days, allow yourself to FEEL. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. We are all flawed, beautiful, and chaotic; we’re human beings. If you wanted perfection, ask a homie up in the sky to bring you back as a cat in your next life. Cats lick their own asses and don’t give a f*k who is watching….if that isn’t security, I don’t know what is!

Allowing those stigmas about feelings and mental illness to get to you is not only giving into the problem, but it’s contributing to the hurt that it causes in others. Much like any other stigma out there, think about how it effects the young. Being a teen is so rough, regardless of the possibility of mental illness. All of those emotions and hormones.

Teens aside, Imagine how many friends you know (or maybe you do this, too) that hide their personality (or baggage!?) in the beginning of relationships. Am I the only person that thinks that that’s not only bizarre, but it’s the ultimate form of false advertisement??? -I have friends that try to be that super chill chick in the beginning of their relationships, and wait until they’re 3-5 months in, and then they let their partners know how they really feel about all of the crap they’ve been cataloging since day 1 of dating this individual. AND EVERY DAMN TIME the partner thinks they’re insane. Well, babe, you kind of lied about who you were, and 3-5 months in, you basically said “JUST KIDDING…..I’m NOTHING like I said I was. In fact, those movies you took me to, well, I hated ALL of them. And I also hate sports, video games, and your new haircut.”…….. Yeah, obviously that won’t really go over well, sweet cheeks.

Be YOU! If people don’t like who YOU are, then find new people. I’m not for everyone, and I’ve definitely had people make it very apparent to me that I’m not their cup of tea. So, on to the next one. Do YOU like everyone you meet? -I’ll answer that for you-No, no you don’t. No one does!

Be yourself. Not only for you, but for the next person who sees you being accepting of every portion of yourself, and says to themselves “maybe it’s okay to be me”-You never know who you may help just by being authentic.

We may only know each other from the interwebs, but I am cheering you on every step of the way!

 

To Be Continued,

B&B

Sex with Exes

I’ve gotten a few more topic suggestions from friends, and one trend that I noticed was that all of the suggestions were about men. Which is lovely, because this happens to be one of my favorite topics to discuss. Primarily because men baffle me –I have always struggled with accepting that they don’t think the same way I do. Also, I never really grew out of that “giggling about boys” stage. I likely never will. Because there were several suggestions about these primitive beings (just kidding), I decided I’d briefly address a few at a time. I really like putting this out there, because unless we talk about it, how does anyone know that there are other people out there that can empathize with us? Here we go: “sex with her ex” and “clueless spouse”.

!!Disclaimer: I was listening to my Adele station on Pandora the entire time I wrote this, so in order for you to be in the same place, it’s really necessary for you to turn yours on (I know you have one)!!
“Sex with her ex”-“Why do I do it even though I know it’s a bad idea?”

Girl, we all do it. Men do it, too. I have so many guy friends that will text or call me, and be like “WHY CAN’T I STAY AWAY FROM HER!? SHE’S SO BAD FOR ME!!!”. Even in situations that the other person didn’t “wrong” you, we all know it’s really just not great for the adjustment to go back and sleep with them. It sends so many mixed signals, and regardless of what people say, seldom are two people consistently on the same page when they’re no longer in a committed relationship with one another. There’s that security and trust that comes with commitment, where you know that person’s intentions in the relationship and it gives you the freedom from that paranoia monster that creeps into our thoughts and tells us to be suspicious of other’s motives. –A little suspicion never hurt no one –but overall, it’s not great to be in any situation that makes you feel uneasy. –Story Time- I not only slept with an ex, but it took me years after our break up to actually want to potentially put up with another relationship. Why? –Because in the beginning of us fooling around, it was fun and playful. It was like our relationship, just without all of the drama. Once that honeymoon period wore off, we were left with nothing but the distrust and negativity that split us up in the first place. We continued to sleep together, and it took me a really long time to accept that because of that toxic dynamic, I didn’t even enjoy “play time” anymore. I had gone to visit one of my best friends and I told her “It’s been two years since I’ve actually enjoyed sex. I keep thinking it’s me. Maybe it’s my meds, or maybe it’s an age thing?” and she was shocked, because as you guys have read previously, I.LOVE.PLAYTIME. Well, it made me realize that I only thoroughly enjoy playtime when I’m with someone that I’m really into and care about, and they care about me (all of me). I’m an intense person, if I feel like someone may not accept all of my personalities(no joke-all of them), I just don’t feel close to them and then I don’t want to be close to them. Long story short, I ended up hating him. It’s been YEARS and I still shutter a little when I think about him. –Back to you, sex with her ex. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Life is a learning process, and this is something we all have to learn for ourselves. Your experience may not be as negative as some of ours have been. It may or may not blow up in your face; be aware that your results will be unpredictable. And most of all, just remember to protect yourself(in every way).

“Clueless Spouse”-“My partner can’t take a hint to save his life.”

First, I actually laughed when I saw the title to that message, because HOLY SHIT are we all with you on that boat of pissed off partners. Who doesn’t have a partner that can’t take a hint? Seriously. Well, my loves, I have learned something invaluable, and it’s simply that not everyone has our same thought process and that it is absolute madness to attempt to project our thought process onto another. Just tell him. I hate hinting, because I could try to tell my ex boyfriend that I kind of just wanted to “stay home tonight, and be cozy”, and without a doubt, he’d invite some friends over to play video games. And then there’s me in my unicorn footie pajamas, making popcorn so we can watch rom-coms and stare into each other’s eyes. IT.NEVER.FAILED. –So, just tell him. That’s what I resorted to doing. I had to straight up tell him, WE ARE STAYING HOME TO BE IN LOVE AND STARE INTO EACH OTHER’S EYES! -and even though we aren’t together anymore, that is probably the only relationship of mine that didn’t crash and burn. So, sugar tits, be direct. It’s the only way to combat this problem, and when you’re frustrated with him, explain why you’re so annoyed. Growing up, I’d get frustrated with my dad for not listening to everything I was saying, and his response would ALWAYS be “Be patient. I am just a mere mortal. My brain doesn’t have the capacity to comprehend everything you’re putting off right now.” –So, try to think of it that way. Men often can’t pick up on non-verbals(sighs, hand gestures, facial expressions) the same way that women can. For us, it is just processed automatically, but for men, they have to make a conscious effort to catalog these behaviors. So, be patient with him. 😉 He can’t help it that he’s just a mere mortal.

To Be Continued,

B&B

Cute, but crazy

I was watching the movie “The Holiday” last night. For those of you who haven’t seen that movie, it’s starring Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet.. as well as Jude Law and Jack Black. Well, the movie is essentially about two women who are in their 30’s and still haven’t figured out how to find the right balance between letting someone in, and being the only one in the relationship. The two women are on opposite sides of this spectrum: one woman is madly in love with someone that hardly notices her, and the other one is the typical depiction of an “ice queen”. -I recommend this movie to anyone who loves someone that doesn’t love them back: it’ll give you that reason to sob that you’ve been searching for for some time.

Everything about that movie made me think “How the fuck am I both of these female characters at the same time!?” -Well, I’ll tell you how. Remember when I mentioned in post One that I have the mood swings of a menopausal woman in her 50’s? -That wasn’t said in jest. I can be the only one in a relationship, to where I’m giving this person every last drop of my attention and my energy, and they give nothing in return. AND I can also completely drop people, and walk away without any remorse whatsoever. I’m basically two different women at all times. I was having a conversation with a friend of mine recently and she asked what had happened to the last guy I was talking to her about, and my response was “Oh, I told him I never wanted to speak to him again. You know me, 4 unanswered text messages, and I go from zero-to-crazy. I wonder what he’s up to. Think he’ll just laugh off how insane I was? I really like him.” And as is usual, this friend looked at me and said “Good thing you’re cute, otherwise you’d never get away with being so crazy.”

Though what she said was said to be funny and not sincere, I wonder what it is about being so honest about our ever changing emotions that makes people so uncomfortable. I believe in following my instincts and being true to them. If I want to tell some guy that I don’t like him that week, because I have my period and I want to throw something at him, I actually will tell him that. I’m clearly no expert at dating, but I’m really comfortable with my natural state. I heavily dislike the stigma that is put on women that allow their emotions to show on the regular. Being “emotional” isn’t a handicap. This isn’t to suggest that I believe in allowing my emotions to rule my life; I wouldn’t recommend that, but I do recommend allowing yourself to be “seen”. Don’t hide who you are. Your partner is going to find out sooner or later, anyway. 😉 Just try it!

So, if you’re out there, being ashamed of having an abundance of feelings today(or every day), I support you and your abundance of feelings.

To Be Continued,

B&B